Still here.....

Just checking in

2011-12-13T09:06:00.000-05:00

I haven't updated in a while. I've been busy with life, school, clinicals, paperwork and some more life. We've had a very mild kick off to winter which I am loving! Although it is a bit strange to have our Christmas decorations out with no snow?!?

We had a bit of a kerfuffle this morning at my house. My now 8 year old daughter decided she was going to act like a 2 year old. My 37 year old husband turned into a raging 12 year old and all I could do was sit back and watch. I had a long heart to heart with the Girl, but my Bitter Little Man?? I just had no words at all for him. I just don't know why he can't understand that our daughter does not respond well or otherwise to him screaming at her at the top of his lungs. Or when he throws things in a fit. She mimics him completely. Of course, when I bring this up I get the whole "yeah it's all my fault" line from him. When essentially all I want him to do is NOT scream or throw things because he's angry with her. It doesn't seem like a hard concept. Oh well.

I'm anxiously awaiting some items from this guy Gary in Ithaca. He is fabulously talented and all of his pottery is beautiful!! Waiting is so hard!! These items are supposed to be gifts for my family Christmas party, but I love them so much I may have to keep one for myself!

Well happy Tuesday to ya wherever you are!

Clean Start

2011-09-12T08:39:00.000-04:00

The clean up efforts have begun here in my hometown. There is debris everywhere. My heart still breaks for all of the people that lost everything. It just blows my mind. I'm going out today to try and help around town. Offering my hands, my car, my ear...whatever is needed.

On a happier note the Girl went back to school today. She was not digging it after having such a long "weekend". But she managed to get it together and get on the bus with a smile on her face. I hope all the kids that have been displaced by this flood can find a little normalcy by going back to school today and seeing their friends and teachers.

Complete Madness

2011-09-09T15:43:00.000-04:00

It has been a crazy couple of days here in the Greater Binghamton area. Tropical storm Lee decided to drop a crapload of water on us and we have been flooded for 2 days now. My house and little neighborhood is north and high enough that we were fine, but the amount of devastation in my stomping grounds is unfathomable. My best friend, who I love dearly, has lost her business. As of today the water is almost to the roof of her store. My nursing friends are stranded with either no power, no water, or no way to get out. The grocery stores shelves are bare. That is the one's that are open and not under water. Gas stations have run out of gas. So many of the major roads are closed and under water. I have never felt so helpless and isolated.

I have taken the first steps to do what I can to help by helping out a FB friend with collection of donations for the shelters. I am making my first trip this afternoon to one of the local high schools. I hope my heart can handle seeing all those displaced people. While all this is going on my daughter has been playing with the neighbor kids and laughing without a care in the world. She has no idea how bad it really is around us and I'm not going to try and explain it to her.

I'm praying for all the people involved, the EMT's, the police, the firefighters and volunteers. I kind of just thought it would all go back to normal today, but it hasn't and it won't for a while.

It's 5:01am

2011-06-29T05:06:00.000-04:00

I've been up for about 2 hours now. I'm tired. Hubs came home from work and woke me up. I did not want to be woken up. He had a couple of drinks after work and was feeling frisky. I was not feeling frisky. My tooth aches and my stomach is upset and it's the middle of the friggin night. So I roll over and try to go back to sleep. He says, "I don't know why you hate me so much." Ouch. Thanks for that little beauty in the middle of the night. I cry. He says sorry. But here I am still up, still crying. And my damn tooth still friggin hurts.

My Fours

2011-04-25T17:59:00.000-04:00

Four Things:

Four Places I go:
1. School. One day or two days a week depending on the week.
2. To the grocery store. Every other day it seems!
3. To my brothers house on Fridays.
4. To work. Occasionally.

Four Smells that I Love:
1. Any baked good (breads, brownies, cakes etc.)
2. Fresh cut grass
3. My husband fresh out of the shower
4. New born baby smell

Four Favorite TV Shows:
1. Bones
2. Lie to Me
3. NCIS
4. The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and Conan

Four Favorite Movies:
1. Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (I laugh, I cry, I relate)
2. The Princess Bride (something shared with my siblings)
3. The King's Speech (just recently saw it and LOVE, LOVE, LOVED it!)
4.

Four Recommendations:
1. Pandora for your BB or iphone. I just LOVE this app!! (I know I'm a little behind here)
2. The Eat-Clean Diet by Tosca Reno (has changed my whole thinking on food)
3. Florence and the Machine--I adore them right now
4. --------

I hope at least four of my friends will do this too!

Tired.

2011-04-22T16:57:00.000-04:00

Yep. I'm tired. Tired of school. Tired of the dreary, cold, gray upstate NY weather. Tired of my husband buying golf equipment that he's never needed before but now all of sudden just has to have. Tired of having to bow to my MIL's every little whim. Just TIRED. We are going on vacation in 3 weeks and it can't get here fast enough!!!

On a happier note, my BFF's and I are planning a HUGE, CRAZY vacation for all our families. OAHU 2013 planning is in full effect and I couldn't be more excited!! This will be the most fantastic trip ever if we can pull it off and have the planets align and all that jazz. Just the thought of visiting Hawaii makes me happy!

And on other randomness, I picked up a shift to work on Mother's Day. My Bitter Little Man says, "Do you really want to work on Mother's Day?" All I could think is that it would get me out of having to spend time with HIS mother!! How sad is that?!?

Things That Bother Me

2011-03-17T17:39:00.000-04:00

1. A pregnant acquaintance of mine had the nerve to sit across from me smoking cigarettes and smoking pot at a bonfire a couple of weeks ago. I voiced my opinion and she says "There's no proof that pot hurts babies."--I just about lost my shit.

2. There's this stupid kid up the road that FLIES up and down the street. I mean there are small kids on bikes, scooters, and people that walk their dogs. SLOW THE FRICK DOWN!!!

3. My sister in law. Usually I love her, but sometimes she just bothers me.

4. My husband when he starts talking tech stuff. Apple this and Apple that. I need this, I need that. Blah, blah, blah. Just drives me crazy.

The End.

Passed

2011-03-01T17:49:00.000-05:00

So I passed my med demo and am relieved, but part of me was kind of hoping they wouldn't pass me. Because then I would be released from the program because of them and not because I quit. I don't want to be a quitter, but more and more I'm wondering if I really want to continue down this road to be an RN. My heart just isn't into it. I hate working at the hospital. I really don't like hands on patient care. I am aware now more than ever that a person's life really could be affected by my actions. I'm beginning to think that maybe I should look into being an LPN or radiologic technician. I like the office setting better than the hospital setting. I also want to be able to be flexible for my daughter's needs. I don't know....maybe I'm just having a nervous breakdown or something.

On other news, I'm sick. I have strep and haven't had strep since I was a kid. I can't even begin to tell you how crappy I feel. I'm hoping I feel well enough to make it to class tomorrow...

Weight Lifted?

2011-02-23T15:42:00.000-05:00

So the weight of the world was not necessarily on my shoulders as I thought it was last post. I did my demo and did not do spectacularly, but they did give another chance to do better this Monday coming up. So I will try again and this time I will go in confident and know that whatever happens is meant to be. This little hiccup in my nursing existence has really got me thinking over the past 2 weeks though. I've been wondering if maybe those 2 mistakes in one time period were a sign of sorts that maybe nursing isn't for me. Maybe I was so upset about it because deep down I know that there are more things I dislike, than like about my future career. I know that I don't want to work in a nursing home, a hospital, or on a pediatric floor. I do like psychiatric nursing, but I'm a long way from being able to do that. Whatever the case may be. I'm more at peace with the whole situation and I'm ready to move on if that is what is meant to be. Now if only I didn't have to pay back the school loans....

Weight of the World

2011-02-17T09:39:00.004-05:00

I've really had a rough week. It began last Thursday when I was at clinical. I made the BIGGEST error a nursing student can make. I passed meds to the wrong patient. Let preface that by saying that all day before that I was just off. My head wasn't in the game so to speak. I went in, asked the patient his/her name and they nodded yes. So I proceeded. My training has taught me to double check things like this if I'm not sure but I went ahead anyway. Long story short, I gave the meds, it was the wrong person, I got a big huge write up by my instructor, and now my whole future nursing career hinges on whether I can pass a demo on Monday morning. Now don't get me wrong. I made a mistake and should completely be held accountable for it. But I think the nursing powers that be at my school should look at each case individually, which they do not. The meds I gave were not life threatening, it was my first offense, and I've had nothing but high remarks for my performance in the past. Not to mention that I could have just kept my mouth shut about the whole damn thing and just given meds to correct person and never said boo about it. I am a honest person and the weight of not telling would have been worse for me. But no, come Monday at noon I will have to go before the main instructor of the nursing lab and prove that I am capable. One mistake and I can't pass meds which means I can't complete clinical, which means I am out of the nursing program. The weight of this is nearly unbearable. I am so worried that because of one mistake, the last 3 yrs of my life are going to mean nothing. The money spent, the time away from my daughter and husband, all of it will be for nothing.

Beliefs

2010-11-30T18:17:00.002-05:00

I had the weirdest thing happen the other day...a long time friend of mine emailed me on FB to ask me if I was raised Mormon. Totally took me by surprise. I stopped really practicing the Mormon religion when I was about 15 or so. That whole teenage angst thing mixed with a bipolar, out of work-off her meds, mother and two brothers that were more interested in getting high and spitting on me kind of threw a kink in my belief system. I lost my faith in just about everything and everyone during those years. Now that I'm an adult with a child, I toss around the idea of going back to the church. There's a lot of really great things about the Mormon religion--the sense of community and charity is overwhelming. But there are a lot of things about the religion that, at this point in my life, I just don't buy in to. For instance, some of the ideas about not drinking, smoking, cursing, drinking caffeine and so on just don't sit well with me. I honestly don't believe that God will send me to eternal damnation for drinking a beer or a soda. I also don't really like how it is a male dominant religion. Women don't really hold any positions of power with in the church. That all being said, I still feel as though I'm not really comfortable in a church unless it's a Mormon church. I've been to many other churches with my friends and in laws and have never totally felt that feeling. The feeling of something true and good. The feeling that the people are genuine. I guess that's part of the reason I left the Mormon church...I stopped feeling that feeling. That still small voice was gone. I struggle with this a lot. I want to believe in something again...I just don't know how.

One Holiday Down...

2010-11-25T19:13:00.002-05:00

I made it through Thanksgiving...barely. I've had a KILLER headache for 2 days now and nothing is helping it go away! The food was surprisingly good at my MIL's and I only shed a couple tears when I had to drop my Mom off tonight...

So yeah. Thanksgiving down, just Christmas to go!

Countdown to T-Day

2010-11-23T11:06:00.002-05:00

It's almost here! Thanksgiving!! Yay!! NOT. We are spending the whole day with my in-laws this year. It really won't be that bad, but it doesn't require some work to mentally prepare for the day. I am pleasantly surprised that we aren't providing everything this year. Usually my MIL asks us to make potatoes, sweet potatoes, scalloped oysters (yuck!), 3 pies, a jello dessert, and rolls. She provides just the turkey. But this year our list of items was shortened to just sweet potatoes, two pies and the scalloped oysters (still yuck). I'm glad, but now I'm wondering who's in charge of the other stuff? Is she going to cook everything else? Martha Stewart she isn't. I guess we'll just have to see!

On other holiday news, our tree is up, lights are put up on the house and stockings are hung. I think the Hubs jumped the gun a little but they do look nice...is it January yet?

Holiday Blahs--The Early Edition

2010-11-15T19:57:00.003-05:00

I do not like the holiday season. Does that make me a bad person? I mean I make it through Thanksgiving ok, but Christmas straight on through New Year's is all down hill. Christmas has always meant stress, money concerns, too much running around, and too much focus on the gifts for everyone, too much family trying to cram a years worth of bonding into one day. Tonight the stress began about what day to have our family Christmas get together. Due to more family being in state this year and multiple parties, I suggested our family celebrating a week later. Make it a NYE/Christmas party. Well you'd think I killed the Pope or something. It's been nothing but drama and bickering for a week now. I had an all out fight with my youngest brother about it. Because he decided a hockey game would be more important for him on the night of our party. Add to this the fact that my husband LOVES Christmas and has been playing Christmas music since the day after Halloween and you can see why I'm a bit off. He's been calling me Scrooge on top of it too. I think the last time I enjoyed Christmas I was 12. I should start drinking now and just not stop until we're well into January...

What's for Dinner?

2010-11-14T17:38:00.005-05:00

I have been very diligent over the past week to watch my calories and get to the gym. I'm really trying to focus more on me and my health. It hit me a couple weeks ago when I turned 35 (gasp) that I really need to get it together. But tonight...tonight there is nothing I want more than my mom's fried chicken and mashed potatoes. So that is what I'm making. I even measured my ingredients for the first time ever so I could post them for you two people that read my blog from time to time. Now I just call this recipe my mom's fried chicken, but my youngest brother calls it Half-Assed Fried Chicken. Why half-assed? Well because I only fried the chicken on the stove top to brown it up and then I finish cooking it in the oven. It still turns out crispy, crunchy and delicious. So here's the cast of characters. WARNING: there is nothing healthy about this recipe at all!

Ingredients:

6 bone in, skin on chicken thighs

3/4 c. of vegetable or other oil of your choice

2 tbsp butter

2 c. all purpose flour

1/2 tsp chili powder

just less than 1 tbsp seasoned salt

1tbsp dried parsley

1/2 tsp paprika

1/2 tsp garlic powder

1/4 tsp poultry seasoning

2 tsp minced onions (dried McCormick brand)

1 tbsp kosher salt

1/2 tsp black pepper

2 eggs whisked with a dash of water

Begin by combining the flour and all of the seasonings. I prefer to use a ziploc type bag and shaking it all together. Rinse your chicken and then place in the flour mixture, a couple pieces at a time, and shake the hell out of it. Once all pieces are coated then place the chicken in the whisked egg mixture and coat each side. Place the chicken back in the flour bag and shake to coat again. While I'm doing these steps I start my oil and butter heating in a pan. I really crank it up to about medium high to get the oil good and hot. Once all the chicken is coated for the second time and the oil is hot then I place a few pieces in at time or if I feel like using my big pan I can usually get all 6 pieces in at once. I leave them to fry on one side for maybe 5-8 minutes and the flip them to brown up the other side. The second side only takes about 5 minutes. Once all the chicken is golden brown and crispy I place them on a baking sheet and popped them into a 350 degree oven for about 20 minutes or 185-200 degrees. YUM!!!

Sanity

2010-11-11T20:01:00.002-05:00

Sanity has returned to my house. My last post was me at my wits end. Literally. I let it all out via text message to the Man and I believe he was afraid to come home that night. Long story short, I got over it and my child is my angelic little girl once again. Well maybe not angelic...

So no worries, I haven't gone ape shit and put my kid in a closet for days or anything.

There are days that I desperately wish for nothing more than to be in a quiet room by myself with no family within 100 miles. Preferably, that room would be on a beach with a well stocked bar.

Losing it

2010-11-06T17:25:00.002-04:00

i am losing my fucking mind right now. why? because my 7 yr old child has, in the last hour, thrown a fit over cheese, a fit over a toy that she broke, and a fit over a doll. i have HAD IT!! it's been one of those days where the only words out of her mouth is "I NEED". let's keep in mind that any other day she is a completely independent, makes her own snack, plays by herself kind of chick. not today. today it's let's be up mommy's ass all day, day. mommy needs a break. like now.

Six year olds

2010-09-09T18:33:00.002-04:00

My Girl is 6. She will be 7 very shortly. The never ending list of things she wants for her birthday keeps getting brought up over dinner. Like I could ever forget it...dolls, razor scooter thingy, zhu zhu pets (yikes?), a four wheeler, the Barbie doll that's a mermaid, some clothes, and pink streaks in her hair are constants. Every now and then she throws something else in there that some kid on the bus had, but for the most part those are the gifts at the top of her list. So here's my thing, I don't feel that a lot of these are worth wasting my money on. A four wheeler is just out of the question because I don't have an extra 600-1000 bucks to drop on her, the zhu zhu pets are just ridiculous, and the Barbie...well let's just say me and Barbie don't get along so well. My Bitter Little Man thinks I'm bitter and stingy about gift giving, but it's really just that I don't want a bunch of crap around my house that's just gonna get chewed by the dog or I'm going to end up picking up 10,000 times a day. Does that make me a bad mom? Maybe it's because I was brought up in a very poor household with 4 children and when it came to birthdays or Christmas is was always very simple. We got one big gift and then usually some little items that we could use (shampoo, conditioner, pens, pencils etc...). There was a lot of sacrificing and compromising. I just feel like even though my husband and I are better off than my parents were it doesn't mean we should just give in to our daughter's every little wish. How will she ever truly appreciate anything? I've been trying to figure out ways to help her appreciate the things we do provide for her. So far...it's not working. How do you get a 6 year old to understand and appreciate what she has? Maybe I'm expecting too much...

So Here's the Skinny

2010-08-24T19:24:00.002-04:00

I'm getting more used to my new job. Do I love it? NO. Is it a means to an end while I finish up school? YES. It has definitely given me a profound appreciation for the difference between what a nurse does and a nurse's aide does. I can't wait to be a nurse. Being able to sit once in a while will be completely worth it! The aides NEVER sit or eat or pee or stand in one spot very long. It's so exhausting. I know I kinda sound like a whiner, but I've been a stay at home for the last 3 yrs and before that I was at a desk playing receptionist all day. It's a big change to be up and moving for 8 hrs straight! Add in bending, lifting, squatting, stretching, pulling, walking and phewwwww I tell it's one hell of a workout!

Speaking of workouts....my insanity kick I was on has ended. I just don't have the time now (excuses, excuses). I'm going to try and fit in some extra walking around campus and really crack down on my eating habits. I've gained SO MUCH FRIGGIN WEIGHT!!! And I'm really beginning to be disgusted by it. So once I get my class routine down, then that will be the next focus.

Other than school and work I am trying to fit my family in there somewhere. I'll be glad when school starts for my Girl then I won't feel so bad about leaving her everyday for hours. She'll be learning while I'm learning. Woot! My Bitter Little Man on the other hand is a whole different situation. He's picked up a shift at work one night a week in addition to his normal night hours. During the days before he goes to work I am in class, by the time I get out he's gone and doesn't get home until after I've gone to bed....maybe I can catch him on the weekend? This kind of situation makes us both very irritable. I'm only on day 2 of classes and that is apparent. Why didn't I do all this school stuff when I was 18??? Hmmmm?? My parents totally should have kicked my ass into shape back in the day. Well they weren't really in a position to, I guess. That's it for now...happy Tuesday to ya!

Crap

2010-08-13T20:17:00.002-04:00

My new job is draining the life out of me. It's only been 3 days. Have I wasted the last 3 yrs of my life in school for a profession that I may end up hating? I'm so lost right now. I had a complete meltdown today and was reduced to tears in a Lowe's parking lot because of work, school, money, life....this Friday night gets a big ole poop sandwich for the record.

2 week follow up

2010-07-28T12:45:00.003-04:00

So I did my 2 week follow up fit test for the Insanity workout program that I am trying to follow. I'll be honest here and say that I did NOT work out 6 days a week for the last 2 weeks. I did do 4 workouts the first week and 2 workouts the second week. Yeah I kinda slacked. BUT all of my numbers did go up. I increased my reps in all of the exercises except for 2 where I stayed the same. Improvement in 6 out of 8 exercises isn't bad as far as I'm concerned. I have yet to take my measurements. I'm going to wait until the one month mark for those. So there it is.

I've been doing pretty well on my food intake and calorie counting. I've started using Livestrong.com to track my food intake and exercise. I really like the layout of it and the fact that it actually gives me useful tips and advice! So here's to getting healthy and kicking butt!!

Really??

2010-07-24T11:27:00.002-04:00

Here's the short version of just what went down in my house. My sis in law texted me and asked if I could watch her 2 daughters and our nephew so she and my brother could go kayaking. Her oldest daughter is just at the tail end of pharygitis or mono and my nephew made himself puke all day the last time I watched him. My first reaction was REALLY??? I mean really. She's gonna pawn a sick kid and a kid she's supposed to be watching today off on me? I asked for a definite time and she has never texted me back. I told my Hubs and he says he'll be pissed if I watch the kids. He's not even going to be here!! He has to work!! So why would he be pissed?? Annoyed from both my sis in law and my Hubs right now.

Stolen idea

2010-07-21T18:40:00.004-04:00

So one of my other blogger friends posted about her general lack of sex drive. I'm gonna steal that topic. Why?? Because I have ZERO interest in sex. I mean I can see a hot guy and think hmmm he's hot, I bet he'd be fun to __________. My poor husband thinks it's him. That I don't love him anymore. When that's not the case at all. I love him dearly, but every time he touches me I pull away. I know it has a lot to do with my weight and that I just don't feel sexy/attractive. I know it has a lot to do with the fact that we are basically roommates these days. I know it has a lot to do with the fact that my husbands idea of foreplay is grabbing my butt and saying come on. Why is it so hard for me to just enjoy sex and enjoy the fact that my husband loves me and my body just the way it is? I personally blame my issues on years of Mormon religion being shoved down my throat about being chaste and virtuous and waiting until marriage. Being the submissive wife and all that jazz. It's just not me. Never was. I used to be really sexually independent. Is that the right term? I was able to speak to my partner openly about what I liked. I've somehow lost that ability in the 12 yrs I've been married. I'm in my mid thirties and my doctor says it's normal. He has lots of female patients saying the same thing to him. But yet there's no solution....therapy is an option. But I've kinda been there and done that and it didn't help my sex drive one bit. So what do I do? I'm not sure...

Motivation

2010-07-19T14:00:00.003-04:00

Ok I was all gung ho last week with this Insanity workout thing and now this week I've completely fizzled. My sis came into town on Thursday and that kind of threw a wrench into my workout/diet routine, but really it's more of an excuse than anything. She would have worked out with me at any time while she was here. We did workout on Friday though! So I really only skipped two workouts last week. Today though....yeah...just. not. feeling. it. I'm hoping my child will nap later and then I can fit a workout in. It's nearly impossible to workout if it's just her and I in the house. She watches and jumps on my back and giggles and really makes it hard to focus on what I'm doing. So let's cross our fingers for a nap, shall we?

In other news, I was recently hired to be a nurse assistant at a local hospital. I'm totally psyched to be working even if it is only per diem work. I haven't worked in 3 yrs!! On the other hand though I'm completely freaking out because I have no idea how I'm going to balance a job, school (nursing classes are ridiculously paperwork oriented), being a mom, wife and friend, and still have time in there for me. As it was this last semester nearly killed me!! So we'll see how it goes. I keep thinking about my mom. How the hell did she do it?? She was a single mom raising 4 children, she worked, went to and actively participated in church activities, went back to school in her 40s for her masters, was able to attend all school and sport events for us kids, kept a full vegetable garden and flower garden, and cooked from scratch every night. Where in the world did she find the time? I just have one child that isn't into any sports at the moment and I feel pressed for time. Maybe it's because she had to do and be all these things. I don't know...it just seems crazy to me.

So yeah...here's to Motivation!! I really wish I had some...

Ho Hum

2010-07-16T06:25:00.002-04:00

I made it through hump day and I made it through Thursday. I skipped my workouts yesterday because of my super hectic day. I was running around all day. I ate pretty healthy until dinner when I ate TWO burgers my hubs made. I waited to long to eat and was starving by the time 8 pm came around. Today I'm back on it even though I'm feeling a bit ho hum. I'm going to try and get 2 workouts in today and stick to my healthy eating. So that's it. You're all updated now. :)

Battle of the Bulge

2010-07-12T11:05:00.002-04:00

Today I kicked off my latest attempt at losing this God forsaken weight I've been carrying around for almost 7 yrs!!! I took all my measurements and weighed myself (I cried), and took the Fit Test for the Insanity workout video/dvd. The fit test alone just about killed me. I was so winded and tired by 15 minutes into it I didn't know how I was going to finish it, but I did. So far I like that the video ENCOURAGES lots of breaks if you need them. I needed them. Bad. I'm going to take some before pictures and in 60 days I'll take some after pics and hopefully I'll be pleasantly surprised! Why can't it be as easy to lose it as it is to put it on!!??!!

Who has a green thumb??

2010-07-08T07:38:00.004-04:00

My Bitter Little Man does. These are some of the flowers that have sprouted up so far in our little hodge-podge flower garden. I had NO idea that dahlias got so BIG!!

Cooped Up!!

2010-07-08T07:30:00.002-04:00

I have a serious case of cabin fever!!! I have been kind of stuck in my house for almost 2 weeks now (thanks to a sick child and babysitting my nieces and nephew and it being like 100 degrees here!) and I really think I'm starting to lose it! I've gone out to get a couple groceries and whatnot's but I haven't really done anything for ME in a while. So this morning I'm going to head to the gym all by myself, then do some window shopping all by myself, and then I'm going to indulge in the The Twilight Saga: Eclipse ALL BY MYSELF! It will be wonderful even if I will be sweating my tush off in the process!!! I wonder if other Moms out there are as desperate for alone time as I am??

Heartache

2010-06-21T08:42:00.002-04:00

Just like a ton of bricks, it hit me. I will never have a son. My brother in law and his wife just gave birth to a healthy, beautiful little boy. I would have delivered my boy around this time 4 years ago...my heart just aches right now.

My Mom

2009-08-24T12:43:00.005-04:00

This is my Mom. I love her with my whole heart, unconditionally, until the day I die and I will continue to love her even after that. She is my hero.

Glory Days

2009-08-06T15:03:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking and reminiscing lately about my "glory days". They weren't really all that long ago. Ya know, back in your late teens and early twenties when your invincible and nothing could bring you down.... yeah those days. It makes me kind of sad that I didn't do more during that reckless, free period of my life. I drank too much and dated stupid boys and genuinely had a lot of fun but I had no responsibilities, not a care in the world and I didn't really do a whole lot. I should have traveled more, been more daring, gone cliff jumping a few more times, stayed out until dawn a few more times and really sucked up all that goes along with being that age. And I definitely should have taken more pictures of the friends that were so much my world back then. Warm summer nights around a bonfire with that cute boy that you'd been eyeing all day at the pond and feeling like time was standing still just for you. I miss the magic of that.

But then I got to thinking about how my late twenties were and how my early thirties are going so far and I'm beginning to wonder if these aren't my "glory days" right now? I'm better off financially (well sort of) than I once was, I have lots of friends that I share a lot of time with, I have the ability to go on adventures (though they do have to be a little less spontaneous these days) and I have love in my life. Every friday I go down to my brother's house and let my kid run rampant with his kids, our friends show up eventually with their children and next thing you know there are kids every where running in the night air and marveling at the bonfire. All of us adults talk and laugh and have a few drinks and remember when together. It has become a weekly event that I looked forward to and get excited for. I wonder if in ten years we'll find another way to all get together and share our lives with each other? I wonder if anyone else feels the way I do and realizes what a special time this is in our lives. Yes we all have our money issues, marital issues, kid issues, house issues, etc...but for a brief moment on friday nights it's all put behind us and we just enjoy each other. It is something that I will always hold close to my heart for as long as I live.

Celebrity

2009-07-27T17:49:00.002-04:00

I know there are tons of blogs out there that do the celeb gossip thing. I even read a few of them and find them very entertaining. That being said I just don't get celebrities these days. I mean all the "famous" young hollywood, "IT" girls and boys...all they can lay claim to is the fact that they were born into a wealthy family or born unto famous parents. They themselves have done nothing. I mean nothing! I'm speaking of the celebrities like all those kids on the Hills, the Kardashians, the Stewarts and a list of more just like them. I briefly took in a little bit of this show on VH1 about "rebellious celebrity heirs". The majority, if not all of them, have zero actual talent for anything. It drives me crazy that these people are what my daughter will eventually be looking to for style or whatever. It really just makes me sick to my stomach. The Hannah Montana's, Selena Gomez's, and Demi Lovato's that are the up and coming stars and singers at least actually WORK for their money. The don't just go to red carpet events and what not.

I don't know why this has my panties all in a bunch tonight..it just does. It seems like the people I watched when I was growing up were actual stars, they worked, they played, they donated and they were genuine star material. Maybe that's the problem....I'm just getting old and I don't "get it" anymore! Whateve!

Worst Hair Ever

2009-07-16T08:20:00.003-04:00

Mrs. G over at the Women's Colony has requested pics of our worst hairdos. I think my absolute worst hair ever was when I was 14 or 15. I got a perm. A really bad perm that left me with a poodle like poof of hair on my head! This pic is from one of our crazy nights out at the roller rink. Yeah...I was cool, I know. That's me in the orange t-shirt and red glasses...I never got a perm again after I got these pics developed.

Friday Fill-Ins on a Wednesday Night

2009-07-15T18:33:00.002-04:00

I'm doing this because I am bored at the moment and because my friend, Rebel , suggested that some of her readers get doing these fill in thingys. Sooooo here it goes!

1. The last thing I ate was chili and fries.

2. _Movie Tickets to Harry Potter is something I recently bought.

3. When it rains, it __frickin pours round these parts.___

4. __My child_ was the first person I talked to today.

5. Hugs are _always welcome and warm____.

6. ___I need__ extra comfort.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to _a whole lot of nothing____, tomorrow my plans include _spending way to much time with my in-laws____ and Sunday, I want to __recover from spending so much time with my in laws!

I Have a Need.....To Vent!

2009-07-13T14:51:00.002-04:00

I have been completely annoyed lately. Like with everyone. I'm wondering if it's because I changed birth control pills. I only get a visit from Aunt Flow every 3 months now, but I'm wondering if the PMSing is still kicking hard core or if I'm legitimately annoyed and have a right to be. Not just hormones talking, ya know. For example, my husband took this whole past weekend off. He did so for me. I was feeling needy for some time out with friends with out him or my kid. At the last minute though all of my friends that I had plans on hanging with Friday night got flushed right down the drain. Four of these said friends decided to go camping for the weekend and literally hours before they were leaving invited me to go....knowing full well that I had plans on Sat. that I really couldn't back out of. Though one of them did text me for like an hour trying to convince me to ditch my other committment. Is it just me or is that just an assholey thing to do?? So first annoyance. Then my husband knowing I was disappointed and annoyed by this asks me what my plans are for the weekend. I said I don't know, everyone went out of town. My BFF had an urgent trip to NYC because of one of her parents being ill so of my 5 or 6 good friends that I like to hang with none of them were available for the weekend. Annoyance number two. Add to these things the little annoyances caused by being in a house with my husband and daughter for the whole weekend when all I wanted to do was get away from them for a little bit and little annoyances became BIG annoyances. Over the last week my husband has worked 3 of 7 days. Do you think HE got up with our daughter on any of his days off??? NO. He did not. Not once did I get to sleep in. But that's ok....I should be used to it, right? Then I do the laundry, mow the lawn, feed the kid, entertain the kid, and clean up a little and he does nothing. He sleeps. BIG ANNOYANCE! So here I am on Monday completely frickin annoyed by just about everything and no real way to vent it. Husband is gone, BFF is at an appt, other friends are working, and I'm still here stuck in the house with the kid. I don't remember signing up for this crap?!!!!

Foggy

2009-05-23T08:21:00.002-04:00

I really need to work on being more consistant with this blog thing....I know there's only like 2 people that read it, but it's nice to put all this stuff that's rattling around in my head out there.

I'm feeling kinda foggy this morning...classes are done (thank God!), my kid's playing next door, and my husband is sleeping after a long night protecting and serving our little city. I should be motivated and work out or clean my house, but I'm not. I've been realizing a lot of stuff about my marriage and myself lately. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. Ever since I started therapy I've been reevaluating everything. I've been wondering if I married my husband because at the time he rescued me from a bad situation with my Mom and home life in general. I keep thinking that I married my best friend, but that's it. Just a friend...no passion, no communication anymore, no anything...just a really great friendship. We both come and go as we please....he's working on his career and I'm working on mine and we come together in the middle somewhere to take care of our daughter and eat dinner. I just feel empty, depressed, trapped, sad, lonely...how do make your spouse realize that communications have broken down and that it needs to be worked on?

On the other side of things I've been doing really well with managing my weight. I'm below 200lbs for the first time in 6 yrs!!! It feels great and I'm motivated more than ever to keep this momentum going. My dietitian and I were almost in tears this past week when I weighed in!! Such a GREAT feeling to finally be accomplishing something!

Stuff In My Head

2009-05-12T06:47:00.002-04:00

Lately I have had a lot of things jiggling around in this head of mine. It's been a very stressful couple of months. Ok. It's been like 8 months. Between our septic shitting the bed, my daughters dental bills being well over $4000 and my husband refinancing our mortgage (which was not a great deal at all!!) we have been completely strapped for cash. Like to the point where I'm trying to remember how my mother cooked, scrimped, and baked from scratch so I can save some money. It really is wearing on my nerves. It brings back such hard memories of struggling in my youth and being the poor kid at school. Every year I wore hand me downs or clothes from Kmart while all the other kids were shopping at the Gap, JCPenney or some other store IN THE MALL! Kids really do pick up on that stuff and man are they mean. So I've been really on edge because of all this stuff.

Fast forward to Mother's Day...I told my husband I didn't want anything because I know cash is tight. We had a family dinner out with his parents at Red Lobster. Our bill came to around $60. I was grateful to be out with everyone, but now we have no money for the next week and a half until he gets paid. On top of that, when we got home, later that evening he decides he wants to bake his mother a cake. Her birthday is on mother's day. I'm not mad because he wanted to bake her a cake. BUT he didn't even think to bake me a cake for Mother's Day or clean the house or leave me a little love note or anything! NOTHING! Just a hug in the morning! I mean what the hell?? Am I crazy to be a little miffed because we did all this stuff for his mom but I can't even get a simple breakfast made or little homemade note? It kind of pushed me over the edge! I didn't say anything about it. I went on with my day and I cleaned like a crazy person and mopped my floors. But I'm still kind of hurt....we've been together 12 yrs. Shouldn't he know by now to do something or anything to remind me why he loves me?

Then when I was completely brooding and decided to ignore him and the kid I locked myself away and got online. I got the MOST wonderful gift ever! My ex boyfriend from when I was like 16 found me online. My heart raced and instantly I was smiling. He was the best boyfriend ever and was there for me through some VERY hard family times. He also is the only person other than my family that remembers my mom before she got ill and lost her grip on reality. I have weighed every single man against the example he set all those years ago. Even my husband now. I married my Bitter Little Man because he was the closest contender to my first love. Now I just want to make it clear that I'm not in love with him anymore, but I do love him. I will always have a soft spot for him. These last couple of days talking to him online have made me happier than I've been in months!!! He gets me. Like really gets me. We lost touch because of my 18 yr old rebellious phase and his wanting to get the hell out of dodge. He moved to Maine and I stayed here. Then I got married and moved away. It's been 13 yrs since I saw him last. 13 yrs! And now he's back! I told Bitterman about him and I have been completely open about it. I hope my husband can understand what a friend I had is this man. That he shaped who I have become is so many ways......sometimes I wish I was just free. Free to come and go as I please, free to not be married anymore, free to just do what I want to do....sometimes.

Stress

2009-04-01T13:39:00.002-04:00

I am stressed. I have NO money. Like seriously none. Our septic tank caved in. And soon I will probably be crapping in the woods. Not to mention being a full time student, mom, wife, friend and all that other jazz where your supposed to put on a happy face and claim that life is GREAT! Life is NOT great right now. I have stress and all I want to do is eat a plate of brownies dipped in a vat of ice cream.

Learning

2009-03-04T13:48:00.002-05:00

I'm learning through all this therapy and stuff that I am a doormat. That my whole life I have let people use me, walk all over me, rely on me to help them and never once have I really asked for anything in return. I have become accustomed to being a "mom" to anyone that needs one. Advice? I'll give it. Shoulder to cry on? I'll give it. Need your mail picked up? I'll get it. Need a ride? I'll come get ya. Some of these aren't really bad but they lead to bad things if you never get them in return. I'm learning that this is my Dad's fault. I'm learning that my BFF has the depth of a rock. Which is really starting to annoy me. I'm learning that I really want people in my life that are weak and depressed to stand up for themselves, get help, and frickin get over it all ready. We ALL have struggles. If your not gonna help yourself then I can only do so much. My attitude, that I also got from my father, is actually starting to pay off in some positive ways. I'm learning that I can be a force to be wreckoned with. And lastly I'm learning that I matter. My wants and needs matter. And that it's ok to be a little selfish sometimes.

Wants and Needs

2009-02-25T14:28:00.003-05:00

My mother taught me at a very young age to learn to the difference between wants and needs. The other day we had a little extra cash and I decided to buy myself some bras, socks, underwear and workout clothes. I spent around $80. Woohoo. Exciting, I know. I felt guilty for spending that much money on myself. I know it's not a lot of money by any means, but that's just how my brain works. My bitter little man has never really learned the difference between wants and needs. Bitterman decided months ago that he "needed" another gun. He bought a gun when he got this police job and now because all the other cops are carrying an "off duty weapon" he feels he just has to carry one too! So now we will have 2 guns in the house, which I'm not to keen on. I'm also not to keen on the fact that the gun he is getting is over $600! I'm mad because 1. its a lot of money when we don't have a lot of money (we just spent almost $400 on his car so it would pass inspection). 2. he doesn't need it, we don't live in the city where the other guys live (the likelihood that we'll ever see someone he arrests is slim to none). 3. it's not like he'll EVER be able to shoot both at once if he was attacked or whatever. So I am mad. I am mad and I want him to realize he doesn't NEED the damn gun!!!! What the hell?????

Dear Dad

2009-02-11T18:34:00.003-05:00

As a part of my ongoing quest to be the best person I can be, I have been prompted by my therapist to write a letter to my father. I will never give this letter to him, but hopefully it will help me get passed a lot of the issues I have with him. So here's what's been weighing on my heart.

Dear Dad,

I am so angry with you. I am hurt. I am completely befuddled by your actions or should I say lack of actions over the past 10-15 yrs. Remember when I was little and you came to every softball game? Remember practicing with me every single day after work? Remember asking about my day and school and MY life??? Remember promising to always love me and be there for me? Do YOU??? Because I think somewhere along the way you have forgotten what it means to be a father. Just because your children grow doesn't mean that they don't need you anymore. A child ALWAYS needs their parent. As a father you were supposed to be my guide through life, my shoulder to cry on, my rock. You were supposed to step up when your children needed help and offer advice.
When Mom started losing her grip on reality and bi-polar set in, you should have protected us. When she was hospitalized for 90 days did you actually think it was OK for a 15yr old and 13 yr old boy to stay in an apartment by themselves? Yes you stopped in and made sure they had food, but did you hug them and reassure them you would help them get thru this? Did you move in to make sure they were going to school? NO. Your sons will never forgive you for bailing on them. I'm not sure if I can ever forgive you. When they needed you the most in their life you moved South.
I also needed you many, many times over the years. All I ever wanted was for you to realize that you disappointed us and just apologize. Then maybe we could move on become the close family we once were. I mourn the loss of our closeness. You not making it to my wedding renewal ceremony was the final straw. It broke my heart. Do you know that? My heart is so empty without a parent to rely on. Mom was always there, I know. But I can't call her now and tell her about my bad day or call for advice about my cranky 5 yr old or even just talk to her and tell her how much I love her. I have constantly hoped that you would fill that hole. But you never did. You can't even talk on the phone with me for more than 10 minutes. I've tried to explain how this makes me feel and you change the subject and hang up. You are so selfish. You act like you love us, but you only love yourself. You wonder why your sons don't call you? You wonder why your other daughter doesn't call you? Your lucky that I still care enough to keep in touch with you. The sad thing is that you don't even realize how lucky you are to have kids like us. We have struggled watching our mother turn into a shell of herself, we have supported ourselves from very young ages, we have all turned into decent adults that somehow still find joy in our lives. We have learned to rely on each other.
You know what though? I still love you. I just don't know why.

Love Always,

Your First Born

Super Blah

2009-02-10T18:06:00.002-05:00

I have been having a super blah day. I woke up and went to the gym before class. Which is a good thing. I've been very unmotivated for the last 2 weeks. But it was rushed and then I get to class and it is super boring. Then I had a bunch of boring running around to do today. So yeah....just super blah. Top that all off with an online test for my microbiology class which I totally bombed. All I want to do is eat a bag of chips with a pint of ice cream. Luckily I don't have either in my arsenal. My BFF is crazy. My hubby just doesn't understand and my my 5yr old is jumping all over my last nerve.....ok I will end my rant now. Thanks for listening. Well reading.

Stolen from She's a Rebel...

2009-02-09T17:40:00.003-05:00

here's a link to a beautiful video for ya to watch. check it out! i'm not really cool enough to know how to actually post the video here...i know, i suck.
http://vimeo.com/3089746

10 Things About Me

2009-01-26T16:56:00.002-05:00

Ok here goes my attempt at 10 interesting things about me!

1. This may not be interesting but it's true. I pluck my eyebrows religiously every single day. I can't handle even one stray getting loose and looking crazy!

2. I am totally addicted to Facebook. I even put it on my blackberry so I can check it while I'm out and about.

3. I'm beginning to realize it's ok to ask for things. Help, friendship, free time, and space. Just to name a few.

4. I have a sister that is pregnant and I'm seriously considering moving my family to be closer to her and that baby!!

5. I go to therapy every week and I LOVE it!

6. I used to use my mother's leftover sewing fabric to make "Becky Originals". I wanted to be a fashion designer SO bad. (I can't sew to save my life tho...)

7. My daughter amazes me and annoys me equally on a somewhat daily basis.

8. I love my husband. I know, not interesting. But I still get excited when he walks in the door, I love the way he walks, and I can see myself with him when we are old.

9. If my husband dies before me, I'm travelling the world until I die.

10. Man is it hard to think of interesting things to say about yourself.

OK time for the tagging....

I tag, Kellie, Cheri, Angie, Kim, Becky W and anyone else that wants to do this thing!

Coming to Terms

2009-01-22T19:46:00.002-05:00

I've recently been re-evaluating some of my relationships. Thanks to therapy and just taking some time away from a certain friend of mine, I've come to realize that I put a LOT more effort into my friendships than some people do. I want to fix my friends or family and it ultimately leaves me feeling hurt, mad, sad, and under appreciated when the person I'm putting all this effort into doesn't reciprocate in the friendship. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that my friend is very self centered. She just is not capable of being an open, sharing, caring, concerned friend. I'm always hoping she will change and become this person that I know she can be, but it just never happens. After talking to a mutual friend of ours, she confirmed what I am just realizing. She said that it had NEVER been about anyone but this person. I found some comfort in this. Like at least it's not just me feeling this way or seeing these traits. It still hurts though knowing that I'm growing as a person and she is not. And that nothing I do or say is going to make her see her own potential and strive for it. So I am moving on with my life and she eventually will just be an occasional friend. This becoming an adult, finding my path, and striving to be better thing is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

The Ugly Truth

2009-01-19T19:13:00.005-05:00

Here are the pics of my body. They are not pretty. I warn you all (well all two of you that read anyway) you may be tramatized by the following pics. No there is no nudity. Though my husband while taking the pics kept saying "Ooooooh naked pics!" Which is why I have a stupid ass grin in them. My current weight is 209 lbs. My goal weight is to be around 165 or 170-ish. I have a long way to go, but I'm taking baby steps at this weight thing and I'm really trying to follow what my dietitian advises and keep on top of this thing. I never realized until today that my upper arms have turned into my 65 yr old mother's arms. I mean really. I HAVE DAMN WINGS!!!!! I go to the gym at least 3 days a week if not more and I do use weights. What gives??? I need to start focusing more on these damn upper arms of mine though before I lift off one of these days when strong breeze comes along. Ok without further ado...here's the ugly truth about my body.

Just looking at these almost makes me never want to put a candy bar, chip or whatever in my mouth again. I guess you never really KNOW what your body looks like until you get a camera out and just start clicking. So there it is. I'm overweight and well, not looking all that sexy here. But I'm working on it....

Ahhhhh Therapy!

2009-01-14T19:20:00.003-05:00

Today was therapy day for me. I went to the gym and worked out my frustrations on some weight machines. My BFF totally dissed me. She overslept. WTH? I mean I know she owns an alarm clock?? Is it really that hard to get up when you told someone that you were going to meet them?? It has happened more than a couple times this way. She either doesn't want to get out of bed, it's too cold, she forgot to set her alarm, she has cramps, she was up late, the list goes on and on. I then headed on over to my therapist after the gym and the topic was my BFF. I just went off about how much it bothers that she has never had to grow up. Her parents help her in every single aspect of her life. Financially mostly. I guess maybe I'm a tad jealous of that. I don't know what it's like to have money or parents that are well-to-do. My Mom was great in many ways and taught me how to be a generous, caring, loving, hard working, focused person. She just never had two nickels to rub together. My dad is worthless. And that's all I can really say about him. Back to my BFF. So anywho...she has always had things handed to her. She'd wreck a car and her parents would buy her a new one, she wanted a house, they helped her buy her grandma's house (think like a $250 mortgage pymt), she quit her job (for over a yr unemployed) and they supported her, she wanted to start her own business, they gave her the money. It just never ends. And now she is with this real gem of a guy that puts her down, tells her she's fat, rips her friends apart, and constantly starts fights with her over nothing. Add to that the fact that she has been diagnosed with depression and should take meds but doesn't. Well she takes them on and off. She needs therapy of some sort desperately, but says she's to busy. All of this stuff she comes to me with. The mother in me wants to help her and protect her and encourage her, but the friend in me is wondering when she's gonna get her head out of her ass and grow up! I wish she would take responsibility for herself and her actions without the help of mom and dad. I've never had things handed to me. I guess that's why it hits such a nerve. It makes me mad that someone can have so much and not have a clue what to do with it. It makes me mad that she looks at her life like a soap opera and she's the star and everyone will cater to her needs. It makes me mad that she can't reciprocate the friendship the way I am towards her. So somehow I have to get some space between us. I need to focus on me and my family now. I start classes next week and my schedule is pretty hectic this semester. According to my therapist I need focus on myself more. This will help me get on the road to controlling my weight, being a better mother/wife, and being a better person in general. The only problem is that I'm not sure HOW to put space between us without her thinking I'm ditching her completely. So there. I've vented and covered all the juicy stuff from today. I'll be at the gym tomorrow. I'll be watching my food intake. And I'll be trying to avoid my BFF.

WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO?

2009-01-03T09:25:00.003-05:00

The last few weeks have been completely crazy. Between the wedding, my super prego sister being home, Christmas and New Years I feel like I have been running non-stop! Now that it's all done....I kind of feel bored and lost. I not sure what I have to look forward to now. Weird huh? I do have a wedding that I'm in in June, so that's something and I have friends coming in from Hawaii in March. But overall, it's like I'm coming down from a super high and now all I have is the munchies and I'm feeling tired.

My dietitician visits haven't really been going that well lately either. I started with her about 3 months ago. She wanted me to journal all my food intake, only take in 1700 cal. a day, and exercise as much as I can during the week. At first I was all about it. I was all over the journaling and working out (and it worked!), but now I've kind of lost interest. I've been eating better. Less eating out and stuff. But I just feel like it's a pain in the ass to journal every single day. The working out has kind of fizzled too just because I feel like I haven't really had the time to get there. Along with the dietitician I have also started seeing a therapist. My weight seems to be linked to the fact that I sabotage myself. Whenever I get semi close to my goal ( being under 200lbs) I find some reason or whatever to go ahead and eat whatever I want. I blame it on having my period, being stressed, being to busy to cook a decent meal...the list could go on forever. So by talking to my therapist this is supposed to help identify why I do this to myself. So far though, I only really discovered that I have a LOT of issues with my Mom, my Mom in law and I have a LOT of anger because of my Dad and my Sis in law. I'm a work in progress.

My hopes for the immediate future are to get back to classes and start to get my normal routine back together. I want to get to the gym AT LEAST 3 days a week and I really need to start planning meals and cooking healthier. I am SO over this battle of the bulge thing. I'm not putting this out as a New Years resolution or whatever. Just that I'm sick and tired of being...well...not so skinny. For a very short term goal I'm going to work on losing 5 lbs over the next 2 weeks. After that, I'm going to shoot for another 5 lbs. I'm going to start making meal plans for the week so when I shop I know exactly what I'm getting and don't start buying a bunch of crap. Hopefully, these will all help me get back on track!! I'm gonna start posting pics again too so I can track how my body is changing (well hopefully changing). Ok well that's it for now!

Wedding Renewal

2008-12-23T17:30:00.001-05:00

Just a quick update to let y'all know that the wedding went off without a hitch and it was a PERFECT night!!! I renewed my vows with my husband and finally after 10 yrs I feel like we've closed a chapter in our lives together. It was always like unfinished business not having my dress and ceremony and party. It was also nice to finally have family included in the happiest day of my life. I love my Bitter Little Man so much that it hurts and aches in my chest some times. I think a lot of people were surprised that after 10yrs I still teared up during my vows and I still cried when I walked down the aisle with him. I had a few friends laugh a little at me, but that's ok, they can laugh. I feel like it just goes to show we got something special!

Here's a couple pics for your viewing pleasure!

Renewal

2008-12-18T20:30:00.002-05:00

Hi. I haven't blogged in quite a while due to a certain nosey and not-so-nice family member. But I'm back! This weekend I will celebrate my 10yr wedding anniversary!!! My hubby and I are renewing our vows and doing it up the way we would have done it 10 yrs ago (if we had had any money to speak of).

A lot has changed in 10 yrs. Bitterman joined the Marine Corps (that's where our adventure began), we've grown, become responsible human beings (sort of), got out of the Corps, had a kid, bought a house, lost a baby, partied, learned how to cook together, have made some amazing friends, have travelled and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Of course, we have had our not so great times, what couple doesn't? But on the whole I feel like I picked to best guy in the world to share my life with.

So as this huge day approaches I can't seem to focus on all this great, exciting stuff. All I can seem to think about is the fact that I have a really lame Dad. My dad was a GREAT dad when I was young. He's was supportive, caring, fun, and tried to really hard mold and teach us kids. I'm not sure where he lost that ability to be a father, but he did. He will not be coming to my renewal this weekend because of the fact that he can't seem to scrape up $500 (I even offered to pay for his plane ticket and he still came up with excuses!). I gave him a YEARS notice. He still couldn't do it. He called me tonight to tell me he'd be thinking of me on Sat. I lit into him. Then just as I started crying and getting really upset he says he has to go because they need him at Bingo. Seriously?? BINGO???? Why would you call to talk to your daughter from Bingo?? AND how could he not understand how important it is to me that he dance with me at my wedding or come support me and my husband or just to see his kids that he hasn't seen in 2 or 3 yrs??!!! How does a father not feel the tug on his heart to be near his children and grandchildren??? I just don't understand it and it has completely broken my heart. I'm disappointed and let down. I really hope no one asks about him on Saturday...

Emotional Stuff

2008-10-26T14:30:00.002-04:00

My daughter completely caught me off guard yesterday. She asked what the red, heart-shaped box was. I'm not ready to tell her about the red, heart-shaped box that holds the remains of the baby boy I lost almost 3 yrs ago. To add insult to injury, last night my mother in law brought Logan up. She has recently adopted a little boy who was born right at the time I lost Logan. She mentioned that she thought briefly about changing Alex's name to Logan (I really hope she wasn't serious). I just sat on her couch and cried. I couldn't even speak. I wasn't crying so much about the name thing. It was more about the fact that for almost 3 yrs I have pushed any thoughts of Logan to the back of my head. I haven't told The Girl about him. Bitterman and I don't even talk about him. And now more than ever I am feeling the pressure to have another child before I get to much older. So naturally I have been thinking about Logan and what happens if I do get pregnant and lose that baby. I just don't think I could handle it. So for most of yesterday and today I have been an emotional mess. Just a blob. Thank God I'm starting to see a therapist on Wed. Maybe she can help figure me out!

Hmmmm

2008-09-15T07:31:00.002-04:00

Well it looks like my slideshow thingy didn't exactly work? Any suggestions? If you click view all images it shows the slideshow? What gives? Technology really isn't my friend. I've tried, but it beats me down everytime :)

SOCCER!!!

2008-09-13T14:33:00.003-04:00

I can't believe I actually enjoyed my daughters first day of soccer! The bugs were terrible, it was very humid, and it was complete chaos, but what fun! I was SO proud of her!!! If I can figure it out, I'll get a slideshow up!

Ranting

2008-09-10T05:57:00.003-04:00

It is 5:57am. I have been up with my dog twice and my daughter once tonight and well I'm really just kind of pissed off. And tired. So I'm going to rant a little bit. About what? Mainly about a member of my family, well Bitterman's family. Bitch. Mean spirited, cruel, condescending, irrational, narcissistic bitch. If a member of your family were to curse you out, put down your parenting skills, call your child a "brat" and "out of control" what would you do? I cried. I was so frickin mad that I cried and couldn't get a good response out. Two months later and I'm still very hurt and though there were apologies made, they were just words. NO actions of remorse have ever been made. But everything's on my shoulders because I wrote a text message that said "Are you swimming? The Girl is devastated." Wouldn't a family member ask why???? my child was devastated or what the problem was? I was an at-my-wits-end mommy when I sent that because my child had been sobbing for almost 2 hours about being left out of swimming. By her aunt who was with her children plus the out-of-town cousins. Am I completely irrational to think that when all of a childs cousins are in one place, at one time (which rarely happens) that the adult watching them would call to include the one cousin that isn't there? Especially when we live 15mins. from each other? Am I asking to much? Maybe I am the one that is all backward on this. I don't know. I'm tired, hurt, angry, and just plain amazed by THIS PERSON.

Ass to 5K update

2008-09-08T15:37:00.003-04:00

Ok so I haven't been as faithful to these updates as I should be, but here it goes. I have been trying to run more and more each time I go to the gym. I'm not following the Couch to 5K plan very well, but have sort of made up my own way of doing it. Today I did the treadmill for 35 minutes. I warmed up for 5 mins. than ran for a minute, then rested/walked for 2 minutes, than ran a minute and so on and so forth for the 35 minutes. I managed to burn 370 calories and I didn't get nearly as winded as I did when I first started this little adventure. I have also started seeing a dietition along with this. So hopefully, I can finally get a hold on this weight thing of mine. I am happy because I am down 14 lbs since the beginning of the year. But I hope now the weight will start to fall off a little more quickly. Ok so for the ass picture here it goes....

Yes that is a spot/stain on my butt. These are my workout sweats and well I just don't care if they are in perfect condition or not. I have tried getting that stain out many times and well it's just not gonna happen. I don't think my butt is getting any smaller, but there it is. Mrs. G. thanks for keeping me motivated!!!

Survey. Just Because.

2008-08-29T19:18:00.002-04:00

Who was your first prom date? Justin D. for Junior prom. Man I was in love with that kid.

Who was your first roommate? well i lived with jess, scott, jared and derek in my first "on my own" apt. it was a 2 bdrm apt. and way to small for all of us!

What was your first job? Grossman's. I got fired. LOL!

What was your first car? The first car I bought with my own money was an '81 Chevy Citation. It was a piece of shit.

Who was your second grade teacher? I really can't remember...Mrs.Reckow I think???

Where did you go on your first ride on airplane? Flew to Miami for my very first cruise!

When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with? I was with my younger sister and two of her friends. The police ended up bringin us home and we got in BIG trubs.

Who was your first best friend and are you still friends with them? My very first best friend was Cheri when I was 6 yrs old. And yes I still talk to her and love her dearly!

Where was your first sleep over? Prolly Cheri's house or Anita's.

Who is the first person you talk to in the morning? Usually my Bitter Little Man, actually scratch that. Prolly My Girl!

Whose wedding were you in the first time? Jess and Scott's!

What is the first thing you do in the morning?Wake up, usually. Then pee.

What was the first concert you ever went to? Poison. Bret Michaels was so frickin hot in all his girly makeup and big hair and skin tight leather pants!

First tattoo or piercing? Had my ears pierced when I was 12. First tattoo when I was 18.

First celebrity crush? Johnny Depp on 21 Jump St. I still LOVE that man!!!!.

First crush? Jon S. I'm completely ashamed to admit....I remember my mom signing my 8th grade yearbook with out me knowing and writing right next to his picture that I better not EVER date him!

When was your first detention? I think it was in like 10th grade or something for being late 4 times to class.

First pet's name? Peaches. Stupid cat.

First Kiss?Ugh!! Again Jon S......

Who was the first person to break your heart? Justin D. Damn that boy!

Couch to 5k

2008-08-21T07:23:00.002-04:00

Here's a little update for ya'll on my Couch to 5k progress. So far I have managed to run a few times during my regular workouts. Other than that it has been more of a Couch to the other side of the Couch kind of routine. I mean I have been busy too. I was out of town for the last 2 weekends and did lots and lots of walking then. This week I have taken on the grand task of emptying out my attic, garage and basement to have an end of summer yard sale. Actually, there's a whole street in my town that does this sale every year, so I'm gonna go dump my crap at my friend's house and hope to God it all sells. So that has been quite the chore. I can't believe all the stuff that has accumulated in this house! I mean we've only lived here 3 yrs and it seems like we have more crap than a couple that's been married 50 yrs! I start back to classes next week and then my routine will begin to get back to normal. I will be back at the gym again and hopefully this running thing will start to improve. I did run on my street for a bit a week or so ago and let me tell ya...it's WAY easier to run on a treadmill. Not as fun, but WAY easier. I actually had to push myself to move ahead instead of the belt doing it for me...hmmmm.

Motivation

2008-08-12T08:00:00.002-04:00

Ok peeps....I need some motivation. This having the summer off with my girl thing has made me kind of lazy. I haven't completely stopped working out, but I'm not doing nearly as much as I could. I went to see a dietician yesterday. My doctor thinks I may need to "tweak" some of my normal routines to jumpstart my weight loss. So the dietician was the next step. She was really nice and helpful. On top of my working out she wants me to drop my calories (1700 a day instead of 1800). She also wants me to add a "stir-up" exercise in at the end of the week. This stir up thing is an exercise that is either longer in duration, more intense, or more frequent. So one day a week you move more, harder, or longer than your previous exercises. My goal this week is to get at least 2 days at the gym and 2 days walking from home. Then my "stir-up" would be to hit the gym and intesify my workout for 45 minutes. Wish me luck....

On other news I am starting back at classes on the 25th. I can't wait to be honest. I'm really looking forward to my Anatomy and Physiology class. I think it will be fun. I know. I'm a dork. But I also am really looking forward to the Girl getting back into preschool and out from under my feet! I can't wait to just be around adults for a few hours everyday again!!! The conversation this summer with the Girl hasn't been stimulating to say the least. She's probably getting sick of me too at this point. So September can't get here fast enough!!!

For a quick weight loss update I am down 2 lbs. So let's see my starting weight in Jan. was 218, I'm at 205 now. 13 lbs gone and holding, holding, holding......

Because I'm a Derfwad

2008-07-31T07:33:00.004-04:00

I feel that I have been called to duty, called to arms, called to asses . Mrs. G. over at Derfwad Manor has put out the challenge of the 5K Ass Project. Now as some of you may recall (well the 2 people that I think sometimes check in here), I have been working on this whole weight loss thing for quite a while (ya know, my whole life) and since January I have joined a gym and have gone to that gym 5 days a week religiously. Being that it's summer now and my child is not in school I have lost the time to go every day. I do still work out just not as intensely and definitely not every day. Now with Mrs. G and many other Derfwads getting their butts off their couches, I feel newly charged and ready to motivate once again!!! For the record I am down 13lbs since I started in January. I hope Mrs. G's inspiration will help motivate to losing another 13lbs. So here goes nothing and I am even going to post an ass picture granny panties and all, though I call them work out panties, so Mrs. G doesn't feel like hers is the only one on the internet. I really am a Derfwad.

Relieved...

2008-07-15T10:19:00.002-04:00

My baby girl made it back from her trip to see her cousins in PA. She actually was very good according to my sis. in law and had a GREAT time. What a relief! I was so worried about her freaking out in the middle of the night or not eating because she's not at home. It turns out I was worried for nothing. The four days without her was wonderful. Bitterman and I went and did date type things all weekend. We had a wedding on friday night, which was fun, but we could've skipped it in my opinion. We went out drinking with friends afterwards. Together. We haven't gone out together in probably 3 yrs. So that was really fun! We spent Saturday shopping, walking around holding hands, going to lunch together without a kid in tow, and just enjoying each other's company. It was kind of weird getting in the swing of NOT having a kid with us. I think we both forgot how to just talk to each other. It may sound strange, but we learned how to "date" each other again this weekend. We also went to the movies and shared popcorn and a soda, we slept in, and went out for breakfast at noon!!! It was wonderful. I have to admit when Sunday came I was ready to have my Girl back, though. Bitterman and I spent most of our time out of the house mainly because the house was so quiet and empty without the Girl there. We didn't know what to do! Things are back to normal today. Me and the Girl are getting back into our routine and it feels really good. So there ya have it, my Girl made it thru her long weekend and so did I.

Anxiety

2008-07-09T08:48:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling a bit anxious today. Why? Because tomorrow morning at 9am I am taking my beautiful, 4yr old Girl to stay at her aunt's house for four whole days (it might work out to be like 3 1/2 but that's not the point) . This is Bitterman's sister that lives in PA. She's great and has 3 kids. One is younger than The Girl and the other two are a couple years older. I KNOW my baby Goose will have a super fun time. I KNOW she will listen and whatnot. I KNOW that she is not going to die or anything. I KNOW that my sis in law is a GREAT mom that will keep the kids busy til they drop. I just can't help feeling like my Girl isn't quite ready for a 4 day, out of town, sleepover. Family or not. On the other hand, Bitterman and I haven't had any kind of real alone time since we had the Girl. The thought of 4 days free of a child thrills me to no end! I don't even know what we are going to do without her!!! We have a wedding on friday night, which is why we needed the sitter, but other than that we have no plans. We could go to the movies, out to dinner, have sex (HA!), and maybe even go out with all of our friends TOGETHER. Just like when we were first married almost 10 yrs ago. Maybe if I just keep thinking about that stuff I won't feel so anxious about leaving my Baby Girl. Wish me luck!!!

blahdity blah blah blah

2008-07-03T20:07:00.002-04:00

I'm bored. I'm sitting here listening to Purple Rain (yes the movie from 1984) and loving every minute of it. Who doesn't love 1984 Prince and his funky purpleness?

My Bitter Little Man is out on the town tonight with the guys. I always wonder what a "guys night" actually consists of. I mean I know my husband. He's not into the stripper thing, he's not a big drinker, he's not into bar hopping and clubbing. So I wonder what exactly they do. He's not into sports either. Is it shop talk all night?? That seems kind of boring. I hope he's having fun.

I'm trying to get our Girl to go to bed. Now that preschool is over she has no desire to keep any kind of a schedule no matter how hard I try. As I sit here typing she is looking through old pictures that I dug out and asking a million and one questions. Here's a bit of our conversation:

The Girl: (looking at first official hospital photo of her) Who's this?

Me: It's you when you were just born.

The Girl: Did I have blood on me?

Me: (wondering where she got that idea) Well yes you did have some blood on you.

The Girl: Is it because I came out of your back?

Me: (rolling with laughter) Well no Baby Goose, you did not come out of my back. I delivered you vaginally.

The Girl: Huh???

Me: That means I had pushed you out the old fashioned way. (giggling just a bit)

The Girl: (blank stare, now walking away from me)

Just so ya'll know, my Girl is 4. She is smarter than me on most days (and I'm ok with that for the most part), but little conversations like this just tickle me to death! It just amazes me what goes thru a 4 yr old brain. She is so aware of everything. The littlest detail she catches it and stores it in that brain of hers. It just amazes me....

Reminders

2008-06-21T06:59:00.010-04:00

I need a few reminders of why I love my husband this morning. So I thought I would make a list and put them out to the universe just because. Why do I need a reminder this morning? Well because it is/was 6:30am on a Saturday and our puppy was wimpering and he heard Rocky, rolled over and grumbled something so I would get up and take the poor baby out. Mind you, my husband has 2 good legs and is perfectly capable of getting up and letting the dog out....especially on a SATURDAY morning.

Here's my list in no particular order:

He is my Bitter Little Man.

He is a WONDERFUL father.

He has more integrity than a lot of men have in their pinky finger.

He is completely adorable.

He loves me whether I'm showered or not. (some days this is a biggy)

He knows how to treat me so I feel loved and respected.

He is good to his Mom.

He is strong.

He loves my cooking and will eat it, even though the dog won't even eat some of the stuff I screw up.

He supports his family fully and never ever makes me feel like I could/should do more.

He doesn't get mad because I need to go out on Friday nights with my girls, flirt with much younger boys, and drink prolly a little to much.

(sorry about that finger!)

He understands that my family is crazy and he still loves them.

He is my rock and I wouldn't know how to be me with out him.

OK....I'm feeling better now. Thank you universe for letting me get that out there. ;)

Meme stolen from She's a Rebel, She's a Saint

2008-06-20T07:23:00.002-04:00

First reaction:Basically, you look at the word and enter the very first reaction that enters your mind. Doesn't matter how many words it takes, just give your reaction to the word.

Beer: mmmm yummy Boddinton's British ale, bitter, creamy, thick love it!

Sex: none lately, hubby to busy and tired go figure...

McDonald: joe and keith: mean boys from my childhood

Relationship: love mine!

Purple: Prince and my daughter

Power Rangers: can't stand them

Steroids: Tim Phoenix another not so nice boy from my childhood

Cartoons: Simpsons, Strawberry Shortcake, Dora

The President: absolute hatred, disgust, and loathing. (i agree with you, GreenT)

Tupperware: *burp* it

Santa Claus: not a huge fan these days

Halloween: MY BIRTDAY!!!

Alice: in Wonderland

Myspace: i have one and i like it most of the time

Clowns: Shriners

Marriage: love it and would never give it up

Paris: a place where i might run into Johnny Depp????

Patty: cake baker's man...

Redheads: bitch!

One night stands: fun, youth, regret

Donald Trump: that stupid combover he's sportin

Neverland: Johnny Depp and of course Peter Pan

Word: to your mother

Vanilla ice cream: needs hot fudge and a brownie

Hooters: boobs and chicken wings

High School Musical: Zac Efron

Pajamas: love mine

Woody: Toy Story

Wet Socks: yuk, yuk, yuk

Reality: sucks

Honey: only in my tea thanks

Andy: my ex fiance

Money: never enough it seems

Butter: love it!

There you have it! Enjoy!

Common Interests

2008-06-11T16:33:00.003-04:00

So today I logged onto a few of my favorite blogs and realized there are a LOT of moms like me out there. Moms with one, two, three or four kids that are still hip, cool, with it, or whatever the lingo of the moment is. I guess sometimes I feel like I'm the only Mom in America that refuses to give up the things I LOVE for my child. Like I refuse to give up my time with my girlfriends on the weekends (usually just friday night for a bit). I refuse to give up the music I like to listen to and listen to KIDZ BOP or Disney or whatever all day everyday. I also refuse to give up MY time. Like the 2 hours a day I get while my child is in preschool. I NEED that time. What brought this on you might ask? Well Ree over thepioneerwoman.com is doing a Zune Giveaway and asks what concerts her readers have seen in their lives. I have been to a LOT of concerts in the last 18 yrs or so. I was a hair band groupie (or wannabe at least). I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE seeing live shows. This is one thing that I did give up when I became a parent. Most of the concerts I would like to see now are hours away these days and it's hard to find a sitter or save the money up to travel or whatever not to mention finding people to go with me is getting harder and harder these days. It was fun to read a bunch of her readers comments about the concerts they have been to and why these women don't follow their favorite band anymore. I realized that there is a whole bunch of cool chics out there that are in the same boat. Trying to stay cool while being stay at home moms (that's what the majority seemed to be). My point I guess is that I don't feel like an oddball now because I realize that there are a lot of Moms out there that are cool, hip chics that manage to hold down the fort while maintaining the things that are important to them. Now don't get me wrong, concerts, music, and girlfriend time are not the only important things to me, but they are the top ones that keep me sane from day to day. I guess I need to start planning a concert trip or something!!! Anyone upfor the Virgin Festival in August???

WOOT!!!!

2008-05-30T17:56:00.002-04:00

I am soooo proud to be a New Yorker!!! NY has stood up to say that it will recognize same sex marriages from other jurisdictions (California, Massachusetts, etc). I think this is GREAT news!!! I am not gay, but I FULLY support marriage equality and believe that love is love in any form. Same sex marriages should be treated the same way my marriage to my husband is treated with the same respect and benefits. WOOT! WOOT! to NY for standing up on this!!

Mending Burnt Bridges

2008-04-12T20:04:00.002-04:00

Today was interesting. I woke up hungover with 4 hrs of sleep. I needed to explain to my husband at this point that I accidentally forget to pull my emergency brake last night while I was out and my car rolled into another car. Let me just say at this point that when I got out of my car I believed I had put it in 1st gear. I walked away and it did not move, so naturally I assumed my car was parked. I came out a little later and my car was still parked. It wasn't until an hour later that the band at the bar we were at announced that my car needed to be moved. There was no damage to my car, but a nickel size dent was left in the other car. The sheriff was called because super bitch of the century couldn't calm the fuck down long enough for me to give her my insurance card. At this point my BFF called in a favor and dropped a name which helped me out immensely. No ticket issued thank God. My husband decides that he is going to leave me hungover and sleepless with our 4 yr old child all day while he ran errands. I DON'T THINK SO! So I kindly said that I was hoping he would stay home because I wanted to clean out the garage and rake out the gardens, and maybe start a burn pile for a bunch of crap we had. It kind of back fired though because now I had to do manuel labor while I felt like shit. Then my uncle calls and says he is bringing over 2 old dressers that were mine about 20 yrs ago. I thought all that stuff was trashed when my Mom lost our house. So of course I wanted my old dresser that I had graffitied with I <3 class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Mottola written all over the back of it from 4 th grade. It was just a totally weird and random thing. I can't tell how excited I was too see my old dresser. So I go back to cleaning out the garage and in the midst of my laboring I get a text message from my estranged BFF. Long story short, she left her husband a year ago, lied to all of her closest friends and moved to Hawaii. I cut her off after I told her how self absorbed she is and that I didn't have time for it in my life. She is in town. She wants to talk. Start new. I totally looked at this as an opportunity to end being so mad and hurt by what she did a year ago. So we met for coffee and I was sooo frickin nervous I was shaking when I handed the cashier chic my money for my nonfat chai tea latte. It turns out she is in town because her father in law is dying.Well he actually died this morning around 3 am. I didn't know what to say except for sorry. I mean I haven't talk to her face to face in over a year. We sit down and she asks me about what's been going on. I tell her about my rolling car incident. She laughed and I laughed and it was like the last year or so never happened. It all just kind of melted away. Two hours later we finish catching up and I felt like we had been back in our apartment 12 yrs ago just hanging out. It was wonderful to not be angry. She gave me a huge hug and we agreed to get in contact next week after the funeral. So do I now just trust that she has changed and accept that our friendship can be mended? I really hope so. But part of me is very cautious too. I have spent the last year carrying this grudge and anger around. I am hopeful though.
When I finally get home there are my dressers!!! YEAH! I get up close and they are completely trashed. I mean ruined. One of the drawers has some stuff in it though so I check it out. One of my baby toys was in there and a silver snowflake ornament from 1975. I couldn't believe it! These are the last sentimental pieces of my early childhood that exist. I could have done back flips I was sooo excited. So a friendship was mended today, a part of my memories was saved, my garage is clean and I'm still alive after telling my husband about my crazy, rolling car. It was a very good day.

Here comes the bride...

2008-04-11T15:55:00.003-04:00

Ok so I am already married, but the first time around (10yrs ago) we kinda just ran off to the J.P. and got hitched. It was quick and most of our family wasn't even invited. Bitterman's sis was his best man and my best friend was my maid of honor. Actually they were both just our witnesses and needed to sign the marriage license for us. LOL! Bitterman, myself and a handful of friends got together at the local diner for our "reception" and that was that. Now 10 yrs later, we are in a much better place financially and we are settled. He is no longer in the military and we have a beautiful little girl. So we decided to renew our vows for our 10 yr anniversary. This is going to be the big to-do that we missed the first time around. So far I am completely overwhelmed with things to do. I had NO idea what was involved with a wedding. It seems like a never ending list! I do have my dress already and I do have the ceremony and reception location booked. The flowers I figured would be easy. I know I want gerbera daisies. I was gonna just go to some craft store and get them and make my own table centerpieces. OF COURSE they don't order them so they can't guarantee that they will have them or if they do, that they will have them in the colors I want. Bummer....so now I have to get them thru a florist when I was hoping to just get the bridesmaids and my flowers thru a florist. Then I realized that I need corsages for the Moms and boutiniers for the guys....blah, blah, blah. I don't have any help either. Which I'm not really complaining, but usually a girl has her mom to help guide her, tell her what is traditional, what looks good with what. I don't have my Mom to help me because she is just not physically able to do so. My Mom in law I thought would be all over helping me since she wasn't at the first one, but that has turned out not to be true. She hasn't even really asked how the planning was going. I'm a little miffed about that, but anywho. So I am basically going on the help of my BFF who has never been married. She is great, but not like someone who has already been thru the routine would be. I'm really just frustrated at this point. That is why I am on here. Venting quietly to my computer while my child runs rampant around the house. There's beer in the fridge. I should drink one or two or three...

Slacker

2008-02-24T09:19:00.002-05:00

So I am a slacker....whatcha gonna do about it? I haven't been in a bloggin mood lately. I just feel like the life has been sapped out of me. It's not that anything particularly bad has happened or that I'm more busy. I just don't feel it. Ya know?

I am still plugging away at school. Going part time this semester has made me lazy I think. Without having to worry about 4 or more classes I just haven't been pushing myself. Hopefully this won't hurt me come grade time.

I have been working out 5 days a week since Jan. 5. This is a HUGE accomplishment for me. I don't work out. I haven't really worked out since I was like 19. I was skinny then and energetic and able to eat whatever and not gain an ounce. I ran like 3 miles every day and did weight training and whatnot. Now, at 32, I feel like it just shouldn't be that hard to just start running again. But every time I try it IS that hard. My mind tells my body "You can do this! Your strong!" then my body says "Your old. Give me a break." So it has been a challenge and it is very frustrating that I have been working out and I've only lost 3 lbs. I have lost an inch or two and I feel stronger. This last fact is the only reason I keep going every week. That and I am renewing my vows in December for our 10 yr anniversary. I need to look good. Well I really want to look good.

So this has been my life lately. Working out, part time school, full time Mom, and slacker.

2007 Holiday Wish List

2007-11-01T07:36:00.001-04:00

Per Greentshirt I am putting out my Holiday Wish List to the universe and whatnot... Here we go:

1. I wish/hope that Bitteman gets an interview with the U.S. Marshals.

2. I wish for willpower to stick to WW.

3. I wish for good health for all my friends and family.

4. I really wish for a super hot leather jacket.

5. I wish for a GOOD president to be voted in.

6. I wish for enough money to keep food on my table and clothes on our backs.

7. I wish for my sister to move back home.

8. I would really like a vacation this year.

9. I wish my in-laws would realize how hard their son works for them and they would TELL him how proud they are.

10. I wish/hope that I maintain my A's in school.

Ok so there's my list. Nothing to crazy I don't think. Who knows maybe I will have some of my wishes granted!

On other news, I am officially another year older as of yesterday. It really hasn't bummed me out like I thought it would. I lost another 1/2 lb at WW this week. Which is great considering all the chocolate and stuff I have been eating because of Halloween. My mid term grades are all A's. I don't really have much to complain about these days. Life is good. Talk to ya'll soon!

Loss

2007-10-28T05:29:00.000-04:00

This has been a whirlwind weekend. It started Friday morning with a call from my Mom-in-law. You know, that call at the crack of dawn and your thinking "Oh God who died..." Well my husband's Nana had a heart attack on thurs. As of friday morning she was in ICU. By friday night she was back in the OR and they weren't sure what was happening. Saturday morning Mom-in-law comes to our house at 8am and takes Bitterman to PA. By early evening last night the prognosis was not good. Nana had internal bleeding, a blockage in her intestine, and her stomach had stopped functioning along with her kidneys. The whole family has come in from other states and rallied around Nana. Except me. I feel so helpless here in NY. But I can't take my 4 yr old on a 3 hr drive to sit in a hospital for who knows how long. I know that there's nothing I could do, but I would at least have been able to be with the rest of the family and hug them and be emotional support. I've felt terrible about it all day yesterday and I haven't slept well all night. It's now 5:30 in the morning on Sunday and I miss my husband and I know that Nana probably did not make it thru the night. When I talked to Bitterman last night before I went to bed he just sobbed and said that she had maybe 24 hrs to live. It broke my heart. To hear my husband so sad and so vulnerable and I wasn't with him and I was sad to lose his Nana too. Over the years she really has become my Nana. She always remembers my birthday and The Girl's, she's kind, loving, and she took her time every single weekend to clip coupons for me and my sisters in law. I feel this loss like she was my flesh and blood. I just don't know what to do. I'm helpless and sad and my Girl is sad. She knows something is not right within the family. How do I explain to a 4 yr old about death? How do I tell her that she'll never see her Great Nana again? So many things are rattling around in my brain right now. I'm heartbroken and lonely and I wish I knew how to change that.

WW weekly weigh in

2007-10-17T18:18:00.000-04:00

Sorry I'm a day late on this, but I just was busy.... So drum roll please......I lost another whole pound. Which I was mistaken when I last checked in about my weight. I have lost a total of 8 lbs in 12 wks. So it's not terrible. This cutting back my points thing has really helped and I have found that on my cable channels there is this OnDemand network that you can go to. This is has a Exercise OnDemand feature. So anytime morning, noon, or night I can find a yoga workout to do, or a The Firm workout, or just an ab session. It's really great! So if any you out there in Xanga land have Time Warner Cable check it out. There is also FitTv on, but it's much easier to go to Exercise OnDemand.
School is still going well. I did my first presentation the other night and overall I think our group did a pretty good job. The only issue was this girl that was 19 in our group. She really didn't have a clue about anything much less our project. So hopefully that didn't effect our grade. I tried at the end to kind of go over the stuff that she was going to cover, but didn't. I hope it pulled everything together for the class to understand better. I also handed in my first paper that I will hopefully be getting back on Friday. My teacher said that out of the ones he's read so far, they are all A's. So that's keeping me hopeful. Well I need to go do wife things now. Ya know cooking, cleaning, bathing the kid, and all that jazz.

Quickie

2007-10-15T07:40:00.000-04:00

I don't know if I put it out here or not, but last week I lost a whole pound. So officially I am down 6 lbs in 12 weeks. Not exactly what I was expecting when I started WW, but I am losing so that's good. I cut back my points and have been trying to really gauge my body. I find I feel satisfied on a lot less than I usually take in. So I've been overeating and not really knowing. That's the stinkin problem with not having a thyroid. My doctor told me that my body wouldn't send the message to my brain that I'm getting full until it was way to late. I'm hoping that this cut in my points and really paying attention to how I feel when I'm eating will help. Hopefully tomorrow's weigh-in will be better. I'll keep ya'll posted.

Random thoughts...

2007-10-07T17:27:00.000-04:00

OK so every now and then I get the privilege of ending up in my car alone. No child screaming about her "car songs" or a husband telling me that we need to stop here, here, and here. I just get to drive on a sunny day with MY music blaring, windows cracked and sunroof open and singing at the top of my lungs. This was the case on Sat. morning. Thank you Lord, powers that be, Buddha, or whoever. To be honest this is absolutely my most favorite thing in the world to do. I love driving and singing and just letting my mind wander while I take the back, country roads to get wherever it is I'm trying to go. I love long, winding roads, and the beautiful colors changing in the trees. I can't even tell you how wonderful upstate NY is in the fall. The air smells fresh, the sun is bright, and the sky is this magnificent blue. Anyway, while I was out by myself experiencing all of NY's slender, my mind wandered. I was thinking about the songs I was listening to and that music is such an important part of my life. Then I began to think about what songs would be the soundtrack of my life. I've got a bunch, that if ever my life was made into a movie or something, would be the perfect soundtrack. From birth to say, age 12, it would have to be Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. Growing, learning, but in the dark about so many things, powerful, yet weak. That's how that song makes me feel. From 12 yr old to about 17, it would have to be a combination of Prince--Little Red Corvette, Madonna-Papa Don't Preach , Skid Row-18 and Life, Grateful Dead -Sugar Magnolia, Truckin, The Doors--any song at all, Poison-Every Rose Has It's Thorn, Motley Crue -Without You, Dr Feelgood, and any music from Les Miserables or Phantom of the Opera. During my teen years. I was so torn as to what I wanted to be, who I was, where I was going, and how in the world would I ever amount to what my parents wanted me to amount to. So many of these songs spoke to my heart during those years. After age 17 I kind of downward spiraled. My mom went nuts and so did I. I moved out and dyed my hair purple with some blue in it and tore all my clothes. Nirvana--Smells Like Teen Spirit was my anthem along with any Pearly Jam song. I drank, got high, slept with way to many not so nice guys. This lasted until I was about 20. Then a whole new me came out. The feminine, strong me. The I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR me. Sarah Mclaughlan, Tori Amos, Alaniss Morrisette, Bjork, Cranberries all became my heros. If it wasn't for Tori Amos Little Earthquakes album I would never have found the relationship I now have with my sister. To this day I still listen to Tori, Sarah and the lot, and just feel totally empowered. As for now, my music tastes have evolved. At least I hope so. I really love rock. Indie rock, hard rock, or whatever you want to call all the different genres. Blue October, Jack Johnson, Paolo Nutini, all touch my soul these days. Along with Yellowcard and Plain White T's. Oh my God, if you want to cry just listen to Yellowcard's Dear Bobbie and try not to cry. What a great song.....Well anywho, I totally have gone off here. You now know or at least have an idea about the soundtrack of my life. See what a couple hours of free time in my car can produce.....peace, love, and good music to you all!

End of Summer

2007-10-04T06:46:00.001-04:00

So the end of summer is here. At least it's supposed to be, but we have had some BEAUTIFUL weather the last few days and I love it! The cool mornings and warm afternoons are about more than I can handle. How can anyone not be in a good mood on days like this? Well I'm going to put some pics up in this post by way of a slideshow. I haven't posted any in a while and thru the pics you'll get a brief idea about our summer. It's basically been all about The Girl. Doing fun things with her and for her.

Ok to sum up, these are the beach pictures. We camped and biked and played at the beach and it was a blast. The pic of her and all the boys was while we were crabbing one night. She hung out with the boys the entire time. It was a fabulous trip as I may have mentioned in a previous post. Honestly I just don't remember....

She also started preschool which I may or may not have mentioned. She's kinda loving it. The teachers are really strict and she hates authority, so they don't mesh well. But the kids love her and she loves them. So I guess that's gonna have to be good enough. Today we went on our first field trip to the Pumpkin Farm. It was a lot of fun both for the Girl and Me. It was about 80 degrees and sunny which made it that much better. A lot of the activities I haven't done since I was a kid. Like being able to pick your own apple and go on a hay ride. I mean really how great is that??! Then they gave us cider and donuts and we got to play! It was so much fun to see all the parents acting like the kids and having fun. I finally got to talk to a couple of the "soccer moms" hopefully at some point before the school year is over they will accept me into their circle of power. LOL! Well I guess I don't really need to be welcomed into the circle, I will form my own circle if need be. Well that's about it for now...... I'll get some pics up ASAP!

Weekly update

2007-09-25T19:08:00.000-04:00

So I'll get to the news right off the bat. I gained a 1/2lb. That's .5 lb..... I guess considering I didn't journal hardly at all this last week and the fact that I have eaten prolly 15 cupcakes between Sat. and today, a 1/2 lb isn't that bad. I got on the scale today and totally expected a 2 lb gain. My goal for this week is to lose 3 lbs. I know that sounds a little high, but I think I can do it. I've started doing my Namaste Yoga again and I have continued walking with Amy. This sunday we are doing the Breast Cancer Walk. It's 3 miles. No biggy. That's what Amy and I have been walking, but I'm hoping by doing charitable walks I will be able to work up to maybe a run one of these days. I still am loving the WW program. The meetings are totally inspiring and motivational. I can't tell you how amazed I am every week by these women and men that are losing 10, 20, 30 lbs. Alot of these people are a lot older than me too. I figure if they can do it, so can I. There is this older couple probably in their 60s that just started maybe 2 weeks ago and they both have lost about 15 lbs in 2 weeks. Can you believe that??? They said they are following the plan to the letter and just supporting each other and walking. I just think it's GREAT. Stories like that make me want to work that much harder. So that's what I'm going to do! This week I am going to try even harder. Hopefully I have good news to report next week!

On school news, I am starting to feel the effects of being home during the day with The Girl. I have a TON of reading to do with 2 of my classes. My Humanities class has us reading 50-200 page critiques every 2 weeks and writing 5 pg essays on them, and my Sociology class has us reading up on social problems and also writing essays. I'm finding it very difficult to keep up with my regular class reading and all these project readings. The Girl does not give me a second to myself during the day except when she naps. For that 1-2 hrs I usually am cleaning, working out, getting dinner stuff together, reading, working on my math, or whatever. It never seems to be enough time to actually get any real reading done. So I've kind of been in panic mode the last few days. I'm trying not to freak out, but it's hard. I really need A's this semester so I can apply for the nursing program in March. OY!!! Ok well now that I got that off my chest I feel a little bit better.

The Girl and Bitterman are both doing well. It seems that I only write about school and WW these days. Bitterman is back to work finally and I can't wait til Fri. when we have a regular paycheck again! He's been trying to take it easy, but he comes home and is sooo sore, so I know he's not taking it easy. I really wish he would just stop with the family business. I mean he is a college educated man with a great work ethic. He should be able to go out and do anything. We are still waiting on the U.S. Marshals. The gov't is the slowest machine. I swear. He's also started looking at maybe going back to school. The VA will pay for school completely. I think he should do that. We'll find a way to make it all work. I just wish we could wash our hands of the business. His parents, well his Dad, has basically told him that he doesn't think Bitterman can handle the business because of his lack of faith in God. Which is so not true. Bitterman has faith he just doesn't chose to display it like his Dad does. So why keep it going? Because my inlaws just bought a $120,000 RV so that they can take the quadruplets on ATV trips! My mother in law has told them that they can never retire or give up the business. No pressure...Bitterman feels like if he walks away from the business then he is letting them down and that they will be in debt over their heads. I keep telling him that it's not HIS fault THEY bought the damned thing. ARGHHHH! I just wish he would change jobs and maybe we could move. Not far away, but away from the inlaws. Wow that totally turned into a rant....sorry about that. Well that's about as much and I can do for today. I love blogging, it's so therapeutic.....

2.5 lbs GONE!

2007-09-11T20:29:00.000-04:00

I've started going to the tues. morning WW class, just in case ya'll didn't know or missed that somewhere along the line. I find it's a better fit for me because I can't cheat thru the weekend like with the thurs. class and still have 4 days to get back on track. I have to be good all weekend knowing that tues. will be my weigh in. I am happy to report that as of today I have lost a total of 5.5 lbs. (2.5 lost this last week). So for any of you out there keeping track that is 5.5 lb over 7 weeks. Not to shabby. I also got my 5 lb gold star today. Woohoo!!! I can't even begin to tell ya'll how psyched I am. I literally almost cried after class today. I swear I felt like I was on Biggest Loser or something. LOL! I know, I'm such a dork...
On school stuff, I finally met my sociology teacher. He's very intense and liberal and he moves very quickly thru topics. Which is all well and good, I guess. I found the class very interesting and I hope to do well in it. I really hope that I can keep my big mouth shut though on some of the topics so I don't get my butt kicked after class. He brought up just about every hot topic out there. Abortion, the War in Iraq, taxes, welfare, Mexicans, etc. I think this class will show me just how liberal or conservative I really am. Tonight I had my first math exam. I think I did ok....but my teacher threw in some crazy questions. I'll let you know how I did next week! Well I'm pooped so I'm gonna sign off!
Oh btw, I ran today. Not far, but enough to get me feeling pumped. I haven't gone running in like 10 yrs. Lordy, Lordy, Lordy was I breathing heavy!

Changes

2007-09-04T21:14:00.000-04:00

So since beginning back at classes, I have missed my WW meeting. I went to a new one this morning at a different church and it was really pretty good. There was a ton of people and they sold way more WW goodies at this meeting. I have lost a 1/2 lb. Not superb, but I will take it. Considering that I haven't been journaling the last few days and labor day was an eating frenzy and the family reunion on Sun. also consisted of a few of my favorite things, I am very pleased with the 12 lb being gone. I know something is working because I went shopping and had to buy SMALLER jeans. Just one size smaller, but hey, one size is one size. I was equally impressed because my shirts that I bought were larges, not extra larges. This may be a fluke, Old Navy tends to fit me differently than any other store, but I will, for now, accept my smaller sizes and be happy. I also bought a bike over this last week and found that I stink at riding a bike. When we were at the beach a few weeks ago, I rode a bike and it didn't seem that hard, that's what convinced me and Bitterman to buy bikes. Well let me tell you....it is hard. I decided to ride it on a main road by my house and just see how far I could go. Well I think I rode for about 15 mins and just about died. The littlest hill just about killed me. My thighs were burning, my butt was sore, and my calves were screaming at me. I think the bike seats have shrunk since I was kid. too. They just don't feel as good as they used to. So I came back and tried to head the other way with less hills or inclines of any kind. This also just about killed me. I then turned around again and came home. I had to walk my bike up my little hill before my house. Talk about embarrassing. Noone actually saw this, but I knew and I was embarrassed. I walked in the house and Bitterman was like, "So how was your ride?". "Did you go very far?" I only rode total for just under a 1/2 hour and I was dripping with sweat and couldn't complete a sentence and my legs were like jello. He just kind of laughed and reminded me how hard it actually is. He then gently reminded me that he rode 8 miles the day or so before. Showoff.....so my plan is to try and just start getting back into biking at the local park slowly. On straight a ways and what not. Then I'll worry about some hills.
Let's see what else is going on.....The Girl starts pre-k on thurs. This is very exciting. It's only a 2 1/2 hr pre-k program, but it is all state mandated and from what I have heard from a friend whose son was there last yr, it is absolutely fabulous! So I can't wait to see how she does. I hope that any biting, hitting, or bullying of any kind has gotten out of her system over the summer. My mom in law took The Girl shopping today for new school clothes. This is the first yr that she really kind of gets it. She was sooo excited to look at jeans, shirts, hoodies, socks, and sneaks. You name it she wanted it. Meme (my mom in law) probably would have bought it all if I had let her. The Girl ended up with 2 fall/halloween outfits, a pair of jeans, a ballerina dress, a couple of shirts and a hoodie. Not to shabby I guess. That is one thing that my Mom in law is very good for. She loves buying clothes for her grandkids. Thank the Lord up above!

I think that's about as exciting as it gets for now. Hope ya'll had a great labor day weekend and I'll check in next week!

First Day of Classes

2007-08-27T19:24:00.000-04:00

So today was my first day back at class. It really was pretty uneventful. No big delays or anything. I did have to wait in line for my parking decal and my student ID. Both took less than a 1/2 hour. My first class today was Humanities. I thought this class was going to be kind of hard, but I think now it will be fine. My teacher is completely crazy. I mean he's prolly about 5'6", 350 lbs, about 60 something, and blind as a bat (honestly I don't know how he drives). He started class this morning by eating a huge chunk of chocolate along with his vat of coffee and telling us that he is taking in every calorie he can until he dies so he can give back to the earth what he has taken in. He then proceeds to explain that the class is about the arts and appreciation of them along with some history. I mean seriously this guy looks like a janitor with 300 keys on his belt and all. He definitely does not look the PhD that he is. He also explains that he has terrible astigmatisms in both eyes and though he may be looking at you, he probably really isn't meaning to and that he has no control over which ways his eyes go (see what I mean about the driving???). He was the funniest, most laid back teacher I've ever met. The whole course is essays. He does nothing by the way of multiple choice anything. He believes you have to think to get an "A", go figure.... My hopes are that I will learn all this art stuff and hopefully write a decent essay compared to my 18 yr old counterparts. My second class for today was Sociology. It was canceled due to a family emergency. I now will not start this class for 2 weeks. We shall see how that turns out. So for now all is well. I also have started my online course for Medical Terminology. It's very easy and a complete repeat of med. term. that I took at Ridley Lowell. So hopefully that will be and easy A. I'm still doing well on the WW. I am going to have to find a new meeting time now that school has started. So far all I've found that fits into my schedule is a 7am on Sat. meeting. Don't know 'bout ya'll, but that might be a tough one... we'll see.
I just wanted to give a brief "THANK YOU" shoutout to Kellie and Geoff for letting us crash their yard sale on Sat. The space in the driveway was much appreciated and we were able to make enough to pay for my remaining books, get me and the man some new sneaks, and get the Girl a DVD player for her room. And we still had some to spare. So thanks SOOOO MUCH!!! Despite the heat, it was a great day and we were so glad to be a part of it with you guys!

Vacay and WW update

2007-08-24T08:07:00.000-04:00

For those of you that don't know, I have been on vacation for the last 6 days. Me and my fam. went to Camp Henlopen State Park in Delaware. We camped and hung out at the beach for 6 days. It was soooo much fun. We went with my sis in law, her 4 kids, her fiancee, their friends and their 4 kids. So it was a pretty big group. When we got into Delaware the weather was HOT and very sticky. Not exactly perfect weather to set up a tent in and unpack a car. Once we got settled in and I lost about 3 lbs just sweating, we sat down to figure out what the plans were for the week. The plans were beach, beach, bay, beach, beach and possibly some outlet shopping if time allowed. I just loved it. Unfortunately, Bitterman and I brought typical Binghamton weather down with us and by day 2 of out trip it was considerably cooler and rainy. No worries. We went to the beach and it was about 75 and sunny. The waves were incredible. Our poor Girl wanted so badly to run in and swim with her cousins, but I was soo afraid that the waves would pummel her to death that I made her stand with me holding her hand the whole time. She actually got a big kick out of this because everytime a wave crashed into her, she just picked up her feet and knew that I had her. There were a couple times that I got pummeled by the waves and we both went down, but other than that she loved it. We built sandcastles and dug for shells, it was really a great time. I don't think there is anything more fun than seeing your child experience something for the first time. Every single thing was amazing to her. On our 3rd day in it was very overcast and misting in the morning. We decided to go to the Bay because the water is calmer and The Girl could just go in and swim and float and I wouldn't have to be right there. This was much better from a mommy point of view. There were close bathrooms (not port-a-pottys like at the beach), a food stand and a DQ if the need for ice cream came up. The Girl loved this. She swam and swam until it started to really rain and even then there was a slight meltdown because she didn't want to get out of the water. So we bribed her with DQ. We packed up our whole crew and headed over to Dairy Queen and got some lunch and a large blizzard to share. I forgot how much I miss DQ living back here in NY. I mean it's no Cold Stone, but the blizzards are soooooo good. After getting rained out at the beach we went back to camp and decided to get some drinks and food going and just chill at camp for the rest of the day. It was a very wet night. Still had tons of fun though. I got to know my niece and nephews and talk to them and The Girl made some new friends and they all played and listened to music and rode bikes. That night we took all the kids to the pier to fish and try crabbing. We didn't have any luck with any fish, but we did get one blue crab and 2 huge hermit crabs. This was the coolest thing to the kids. I just can't tell you what a GREAT time we had. The last day was so rainy. We spent one whole day at camp basically in our tents because the rain was really bad. We decided to hit the outlets. I found some fantastic deals! I went into OshKosh and was able to get the Girl jeans and 4 shirts for 27 bucks! The jeans themselves were originally 35! I also found her an adorable Nike running suit for about 20 bucks, originally 45. The outlets down there are just fabulous and for the most part the prices are very good. There were a few stores that didn't discount their prices at all, but overall there really were some great stores and deals. We got home late Wed. night and unpacked everything. You can not believe the amount of sand we brought home with us! What a mess! Yesterday was spent putting up the tent again and getting all the sand out, doing all of our sandy laundry, and mowing our very high grass. We also unloaded our whole garage for a yard sale this weekend. So I got a workout yesterday.
Yesterday was also my weekly WW meeting. I had to weigh in and was so scared because of just eating whatever I wanted on vacay. I only gained a pound and a half. Not to shabby. I can lose that no problem and hopefully a couple more with it. So by next week I may be back on track. I really like the meetings. They're kind of goofy and it's just a bunch of women giggling and talking about food, but they really do help. Our leader Heidi, is really motivating, funny, and not afraid to share her stories of weight loss and gain. She has almost brought me to tears a few times. I am going to miss her once school starts next week. I am going to have to find another meeting time to go to cuz I have class on Thurs. nights. I really should be looking into that. On school news. I went to get my books yesterday. What a crock. Last semester my books didn't evern cost $200. This semester they cost $500. The school only sent me a check for $250 for books. I don't get my refund until next week. So I won't be able to get my math book until Tues. hopefully. This may not sound like a big deal to ya'll, but I am a geek. I pride myself on being ready and raring to go on the first day of class. I have my pens, pencils, calculator, notebooks, highliters, sticky pads, and whatever else all ready in my bag. See how this whole missing book thing causes a problem?? I know I am a geek. I can't help it. I watch so many of these kids that don't get a book all semester and wonder how the hell do they think they are going to learn anything. Then they are struggling to look on with someone else. I just don't want that to happen to me. I know it won't, but it is my fear. I just like being prepared. I'm paying to much money to screw it up this time. Ok, well, I have rambled enough for one day.....

Progress

2007-08-16T20:06:00.000-04:00

Well tonight was my second weigh in for WW. I lost 2 more lbs. Yeah!! I really am excited about this. This makes a total of 4 lbs gone so far and I'm well on my way to my 10% goal of 21 lbs. I've been walking a few times a week and I've really been trying to be good about the points system that WW uses. It really isn't hard. It's just hard having to be accountable for every single thing you put in your mouth. Me and the fam head out for vacation tomorrow. We are heading to Delaware to the beach. I hope that I can continue to do well while on vacay. I've packed lots of fruits and veggies all cut up and some cereal and lean meat to grill. I think I will be able to stay on track for the most part. I'm hoping that swimming in the ocean and chasing my girl on her bike will help burn off any excess I may tack on. I'm also committing myself to walk at least 2 times while we are gone. I know my sis in law will walk with me. :) Well just wanted to give a quick update before we head out. I'll check back in next week!

One Week Down...

2007-08-09T21:22:00.000-04:00

Hello all! Well today was my first weigh in after starting the Weight Watchers program. I have lost 2 lbs. in a week. I thought maybe 3,but alas it was only 2. It's ok though I am very happy with those 2 lbs. I found I really liked the way the system worked over this last week. It didn't limit me at all and having to weigh in tonight made me try extra hard the last couple of days. I walked 2 times this week on our "rail trail". It's 4.2 miles long and a very nice walk. I've gone with my friend, Amy,and it's really been a good time. She is also my WW buddy, so we talk about what we ate, or shouldn't have eaten and compare tips about what curbs cravings not to mention we just talk. Usually we just hang out over beers at the bar and the conversations are easily forgotten. So this has been really nice. I'm hoping to get another walk or 2 in next week and maybe I'll start doing my yoga again. I have the time, I should be doing this stuff anyways.

On other news, The Girl got the all clear from her doctor. This was cause for celebration so we bought her a new bike. We had told her when she first got hurt that if she took it easy and did what the DR said that we would buy her a "big girl bike". So yesterday we went out and looked at bikes. She b-lined for this purple, princess covered bike. It has sparkles, flowers, a handlebar pack, and a waterbottle. I told her look carefully and weigh all her options to make sure this was the one she really wanted. She didn't even blink. This was THE bike. So The Girl is now the proud owner of one Princess Big Girl Bike. She rides so well. I'll have to take a pic and put it up for you guys. She's so stinkin cute! Well that's about all for now. Hope your all having a good week. It's almost FRIDAY!

School update

2007-08-04T07:32:00.000-04:00

I finally got my schedule the way I want it for school. I swear I think my advisor is a frickin idiot. She just rushes and puts in whatever she thinks is good without really explaining anything to me. So because of my lack of daycare and whatnot I had this crappy schedule of 2 night classes, and online course and I still needed a class to continue being full time. I went to the school yesterday and got to talk to one of the advisors that was covering for the summer. She was AWESOME! She smiled, talked, asked me questions, and explained that the courses I was signed up for weren't even really necessary to get into the nursing program. I was like well thank you for clearing that up. So now I still have 2 night classes, an online course, and a morning course in the time frame I needed for The Girl's daycare. I feel much better about this schedule. The online course is Medical Terminology, which I have previously taken, so I think that will be much easier than English to do online. I got my Math class that I desperately needed and got to take an interesting course called Western Humanities. Plus my sociology class sounds pretty interesting too. I am very relieved and excited about this fall. I hope these prove to be a good fit for me.

On other news I have been fighting a cold for the last couple of days. How does one get a cold in the summer anyway? I've never really been sick in the summer, until now. And let me tell you... it totally sucks. I think I feel worse just because it's hot and humid and yucky... Despite the fact that I feel like crap I did go on Thurs. to my first Weight Watchers meeting. I went with my BFF and it wasn't at all like I imagined it would be. I was very welcoming and comforting and I actually knew about 5 people there from previous jobs or school. I'm excited about doing this and seeing results. Day one went well and I stuck to my food and points guidelines all day, I even had points left so I went and had a couple of beers with my friends, but then after having the few beers, I then got the overwhelming urge to eat a cheeseburger. So I did and used some of my flex points. I'll get back on track today. I really hope that this proves to be good for me. They told me my lowest weight I should get to because of my height is 113lb. HA! I haven't been 113 since I was like 10 yrs old! At this point I would be thrilled to just get to around 180! So the journey begins and hopefully I will be able to give reports of my shrinking body as time goes on!

Excitement

2007-08-01T13:30:00.000-04:00

It is now officially August and my summer seems to be dwindling quickly. I feel like I didn't get anything done or do anything fun. I did go t0 a wonderful wedding, Key Largo, and we are going camping in Delaware in a couple weeks. So I guess I did have some fun. At the end of this month the fun is over and I start back to school. It may be weird, but I am getting really excited about it. Last semester I just loved my classes. They were challenging, fun, interesting, and gave me something more to talk about than just my hubby and the Girl. This fall I am taking 2 night classes, an online class, and hopefully I can get into a morning class while the Girl is in preschool. I'm going to be working on that tomorrow. If I can make that happen then I will still be full time and still get all of my aid/loans. I just hope the Girl doesn't get booted out of this daycare like she did that last one. I think this summer she has really grown and changed. Her vocabulary and sense of right and wrong have increased dramatically. I don't know how, but they have. She is very quick these days to tell us when she's done something wrong and immediately apologize. Of course, this is mainly because if we find out about it after the fact then usually the punishment is much worse for her. Her language skills have grown too. I think the kids next door that she has been playing with are not such a good influence. She says "Oh shit, man", holy crap, what the hell, and she is obsessed with kissing on the mouth. So needless to say she hasn't been over there much and as far as tv watching goes she has been limited to noggin and disney and that's about it. She used to watch shows at night with us, but even the kissing on those shows inspires her to try and open mouth kiss me and her daddy. YUCK!! I am sure once she gets into this new preschool class which is at a church, she will kick those bad habits. Hopefully.... I guess that's all the news for now. I can't wait for classes to start and to get out of my house without my child and hubby!

Sidetracked...

2007-07-30T19:31:00.000-04:00

So I've been kinda obsessed lately with Facebook. At first I thought it was kind of weird, but now that I have been playing around with it for like a week or so, it's really pretty cool. You can upload a shitload of pics super fast and it doesn't matter what size they are, I've found a bunch of old girlfriends from HS, plus it lets you put concerts up that you want to go to and you can see people that are going and chat with them about the groups/shows. It's really a neat little thing. That's what's been keeping me busy lately. Even my Myspace has been neglected. Oh the HORROR!!!! So to my two readers out there, I'm sorry for neglecting my blogging duties. I will try to get back on track... LOL!!!

The Fair

2007-07-26T19:54:00.000-04:00

Why is it when a small town has a fair or festival of some kind, every crazy, white trash, creepy person tends to come out of the woodwork? I mean really... We live in a small, country town. For the most part the people here are nice, hardworking, easy going folks. Most of them you wouldn't mind having a beer with or what not. But every year our County Fair comes and turns our little town into this bustling hive of white trash people. I was forced to take my daughter to said fair because we basically drive by it on the way out of town. She saw the ferris wheel and that was it. So we took her yesterday and I can't even tell you the amount of tattoos and mullets we saw in the 2 hrs we were there. I mean not to stereotype someone, but all of these people looked like felons or child molesters. And all the people that worked the rides were Mexican! Now I don't really have anything against Mexicans. But I can remember going to this same fair when I was a kid and everything was run by kids looking for a fun summer job or local people selling their crafts or food or whatever. Maybe it just seemed that way because I was a kid. But anyway, not one person running the rides could speak a full sentence in English. It was kind of frustrating. It just made me realize how much things have changed. The Girl was curious, excited, elated, and completely thrilled by the whole thing. Her eyes were just about popping out of her head trying to get it all in. So I guess the trip wasn't a waste of time, just a disappointment for us adults. The Girl even got to go to the 4-H tent and pet a cow and hold a goat. This was very big for her. I think we will be getting a goat if she has her way. Just kidding. I will not have a goat. A farmer I do not want to be. Besides the Mexicans, the overpriced rides, the lack of decent food, the scary locals, it wasn't a bad afternoon to be had, but next year maybe we'll go camping instead.

Ancient History

2007-07-24T07:57:00.000-04:00

Recently I have been reading one of my friend's blogs thru myspace. She is an old friend that I used to hang with in like middle school. She was/is such a cool chick. Basically, for I guess therapeutic reasons, she has started recounting a terrible event in her life. At first I was kind of shocked and wondered why she would want to put such a terrible experience out there so publicly. But after reading her many blogs about it I find it not only helps her, but it helps others who may have been in the same situation. I am one of those people. Over 10 yrs ago I was raped. Just writing that makes me feel like it's not really real, that I sound like a drama queen or something. But it is true. I've never really told anyone about it. I have a very close friend that went to the hospital with me and my husband knows and that's about it. I think at the time it happened I clammed up. My brothers had heard about it and they thought I was slut. They thought it was my fault. I didn't ever tell my parents. I just tried to forget about it. The worst part of all of it was that the guy I was dating at the time was one of the rapers. It was him and 3 of his friends. My guy had taken me to a huge family and friend pigroast. There was drinking and drugs. I was drinking and I did get high. There were probably about 75-100 people at this shindig. As the night wore on I told my guy that I was going to bed. Everyone was camping outside and there were tents everywhere, not to mention the owners house. I have no idea what time it was, but suddenly my guy comes in and he is completely wasted. Stumbling, slurring speech, completely, well, shitfaced. Next thing I know his 3 friends come in and one's holding my hands, one's got his hand over my mouth, and the other 2 start doing whatever they want to my body. I just cried and cried. I couldn't move, I felt sick, I was praying that it would be sunrise soon. It seemed like an eternity that these guys were in the tent. To this day I don't understand how noone heard anything. I mean even though my mouth was covered I was definitely sobbing and I know the guys were talking and laughing and whatnot. I just didn't get it. Sunrise finally came and as soon as it did I told my guy that I wanted to get home. He drove me home and I immediately went to the hospital with my friend. They did the whole rape kit procedure on me, how degrading and embarrassing. I don't know why I was embarrassed. There was an officer that wanted to take a police report. I didn't give one. I was so scared by these guys that did this to me. I felt like if I pressed charges against them they would hurt me or my family. They all lived within 3-5 miles of my house. They knew my brothers and partied with them. I was worried that my mom would find out and think less of me. Of course, at that time my mom had kind of checked out mentally anyway. I didn't tell my dad. I told my husband, who at that time was just one of my best friends. I can't really explain how I felt. Horrified, sad, used, pathetic, broken... My guy that I was dating came over a couple days later. Can you believe the nerve? He sat in his car in my driveway and I went out. He tells me how sorry he is for what happened and that he didn't mean for it to happen. I remember asking him why he didn't stop them. Why he even let them in? If he and I were a "thing" why would he share me like that? He gave me some lame excuse about being drunk. Then he says "I hope your not going to press charges because that would be really bad". He then threatened my family and me if I did. He and his friends managed to tell all of the people, well party friends, that I was a slut and that I do trains or whatever. This is how my brothers found out and hence why they thought I was a slut. My reputation was ruined, I felt completely abandoned and alone, and my own brothers thought I was a slut that did this willingly. Eventually, I moved away and lived on my own. I have never seen those guys since. I've heard that one is in jail for sexual conduct with a child, one moved to Connecticut, and the other 2 I have no clue about. My one regret is that I was so scared by them that I didn't press charges. Maybe they all would have been in jail if I had.

just an update

2007-07-23T09:24:00.000-04:00

So my Bitter Little Man has tried to get back to work. This really worries me. Ya know when you break your leg or arm or something it usually takes 4-6 wks to heal, maybe even 8 wks, but my husband fractures his back and thinks in 3 almost 4 wks he's ready to go. He worked one day last week and came home early because his back hurt. I told him not to try and rush healing just because he's worried about pleasing his dad or because he's worried about our money situation. The money part is the part I worry about and so far we haven't lost our house or anything. As far as his dad goes, I just don't know why he doesn't tell his dad that his back hurts and it's hard for him to bend still and that he just needs a little more time. Men.... I'm sure he's bored out of his mind being home all this time. I know he wants to get his strength back as quickly as possible. He wants to be ready if the U.S. Marshals call him. I just feel like he's doing more harm than good. But I'm not his Mom so I kind of try to keep my mouth shut.

In other news, I actually got out this weekend with my girlfriends. Thank GOD! It's been nearly a month since seeing them and being able to vent and whatnot. We had a great time and ended up at this quiet little bar just chatting. I truly wouldn't know what to do without my friends. Because of my lack of a real family unit, they ARE my family, my sisters. I confide more in them than my husband or my real life sis. This night out was just the break I needed from the Girl and my Bitter Man. I was a little tired the next day but completely refreshed and ready to be a good wife and mom again. I don't really understand women that are stay at home moms and don't really get out or connect with other women. I just don't know how they do it! I would be out of my mind! I know a SAHM that literally stays home with her 4 children and home schools them and goes to church on Sunday and that's about it. The thought just makes me want to scream.

I have resolved to try harder with my Mom. I'm going to try and get her every other weekend for lunch with us or a trip to the park or something. I have had such a hard time dealing with her being ill/handicapped. It's been many years and I just can't seem to accept it. I still believe that it's possible for her to get better, even though I know she can't. So these remaining years of her life I am going to try. Try to be the daughter I should have been 15 yrs ago. I don't want her to not know her granddaughter or to forget my husband, I want to make her happy and try and bring some light into her life again. So I will begin this coming weekend by getting her and bringing her to my house. I will make her a nice lunch and just let her hang out and watch The Girl and cuddle my kitties (she LOVES animals). Hopefully this will make both of us feel a little bit better.

Cats

2007-07-19T12:39:00.000-04:00

Ok so I got these 2 adorable little kittens back in June thinking it would be great for my daughter to have animals around her. I kind of thought that maybe they would entertain her and she would learn to be gentle and loving and learn some responsibility by helping to feed them and give them water. To date we have had no such luck. The only thing we have is 2 cats that terrorize each other and us at all hours of the night. The Girl, of course, loves them dearly and thinks that they are just the coolest thing ever. But she has no desire to help with them or even be nice to them for that matter. She basically chases them around the house and pulls their tails and smooshes their faces into the floor. Let me note that in a former life I was totally a cat lady. Yes, I said it, a cat lady. I loved them and had probably like 13 of them. But now, I just can't stand them! I mean they drive me nuts. Bitterman desperately is waiting for me to give the word to get rid of them. But wouldn't that make me the worst Mom in the world to get rid of them when we really just got them? Maybe we need a nice dog or maybe a fish instead....

just a quick note..

2007-07-17T20:35:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to put it out there that I love the Harry Potter movies. I know, I'm 31, what the hell do I see in them. Well I haven't read the books, I just like movies. They're kinda like Star Wars is to my husband. They just are very entertaining. Or maybe it's that I have the mind of a kid. We recently saw the latest one and I just couldn't believe how into I was (not to mention the rest of the theatre). Does this make me a complete freak of some kind?? Hmmmmm

On other not so interesting news, I went to this totally swanky wedding this weekend up in Saratoga Springs. For those of you that don't know, there is crazy money out there. Between the racetracks and SPAC it's all kind of classy, cultural, yet college town and comfortable. It was a really great weekend, but I kind of had a hard time trying to be classy. I wanted to just party it up and be my regular ole country girl self. My in-laws would have LOVED that! I think my husbands side of the family is the most uptight, straight edge, conservative bunch of people I've ever met. The only ones I can get along with are his lesbian cousin and her girlfriend. They are the coolest people. I did meet some of his cousins, mom's side of the family and they were pretty laid back, but still not really the partiers I wanted and needed this weekend. It's not very often at all I get out without my Girl tagging along, much less with my husband.

When we got back from this little getaway, I came home to find a brown lunch bag on my front step. This happens pretty frequently, I have crazy aunts that just leave me little things that they think will mean something to me. Usually it's dollar store crap that breaks the minute I try to actually use it. But this time it actually was something good. My cousins out in Colorado are totally into Mormonism and doing geneology on the family. They video, tape, record just about everything and have looked up the family back to the early 1600s. Anywho, they sent all of the cousins a video they took back in 1990 of my Grandpa's 81st b-day. This video was taken at my house. The home I grew up in and base all my happiest times as a child on. I couldn't help but watch this dvd right away. The beginning it's just my grandpa and whatnot, then it turns into my whole family saying hi to the camera and it pans around my house and then outside at my front yard and our driveway. I saw my life in a totally different way then I saw it back then and it brought me to tears. I just sobbed as I looked at it and realized how really utterly poor we were. I saw all the broken windows, the warped and peeling doors, the old siding on the house that was cracked, the clothesline that had all of our tattered clothes on it. I just couldn't believe that I didn't know it back then how bad off we were. This was just before my mom lost our house and about 3 yrs before she lost her mind. It made me so sad to see her in the video. She just looked , well I can't even really explain it. My husband was great, he just let me watch and cry and then he says "you were happy right?" and the truth is I was unbelievably happy back then. We didn't "have" much, but the love I felt back then was more than anything I could have ever gotten anywhere else.

I have guilt

2007-07-11T04:09:00.000-04:00

I have boatloads of guilt. I'm not kidding. Here it is 4:10am and I am up thinking about my mom. Bring on the guilt. I couldn't sleep because of whatever reason and after being here for an hour it has come back to my mom. Here's the brief history of my Mom. She was/is a great mom. She is Mormon and she was absolutely the strongest, kindest, most considerate, loving person I have ever met. Any of you watch Big Love? She's kind of a nice mix of Margene and Barb. Well around '94 or so she kind of started going off the deep end. I'm talking bipolar/manic depression deep end. Of course, at the time I was only about 18 yrs old and honestly was oblivious to anyone and anything that wasn't about me. Terrible huh? Well long story short, I treated my Mom like shit. I didn't understand that she needed help or that she was even sick in any way. I was this stupid, self absorbed teenager that just wanted to party and be with my boyfriend, etc. I had given up the Mormon way of life a couple yrs prior to this. Just lost my faith I guess. Anyway, she continually got worse. To the point where we lost our house, moved from apt to apt depending on what crazy thing she did to get us kicked out or what terrible thing my younger brothers did to get us kicked out (think killing the building owner's cat kind of stuff). We were on food stamps, medicaid, welfare, the whole nine. I just was so embarrassed and mad that she couldn't get it together. So I left. Left her and my sis and my brothers to try and figure this out on their own. My sis ended up moving out too so she could try and finish high school and get herself into college. It was probably the best choice she ever made. That left my Mom with 2 boys that desperately needed a father (my dad is a whole other story). By this point my brothers had started smoking weed, drinking and what not and they were completely uncontrollable. They were probably around ages 15 and 13. One day I get a call that Mom is in the hospital. She was admitted to the psych ward of our local hospital. So here I am trying to figure out what the hell I'm gonna do. So I leave again. My poor brothers were left with my part time father to try and make ends meet. See where the guilt comes from. I never stood up and took responsibility for family. Now 13 yrs later, my Mom is living in a group home, she has dementia (which I just found out), she has no money, the people that take care of her do just the minimum that they have to do by law, she can't talk, she barely can walk, she's had about 5 strokes and will never be the Mom I knew and loved. She is a shell. Her eyes have no light in them anymore. I haven't seen my Mom since Christmas. Why? Because it kills me to look at her once beautiful face and see nothing. She's just a blank stare most of the time. Sometimes she's there and smiles and laughs like she used to. I think that's even worse. I am a terrible daughter. I feel like I totally let her down when she really needed me. And now there is no way I can ever make it up to her. She will pass away some day and I will be relieved that she doesn't have to live this way anymore and that maybe my guilt will go with her passing.....

just blah

2007-07-08T20:55:00.001-04:00

Ok so things are better here on the home front. Bitterman and I are back to normal and he has gotten over his little temper tantrum from the other day. Today we went to car show with his parents. Sometimes I think my Mom in law is completely oblivious to just about everything in the world. Like it's been 2 weeks since the accident and she asks him if he is ready to go back to work. Ummmm, he still can barely bend over to tie his shoes, I don't think he's going to be doing steel construction any time soon. Then she starts talking about little trips we could take to waste some time. Like driving 3 hrs to Nana's house so we can swim in her heated pool. Again, I don't think sitting in a car for 3 hrs would be a fun time for Bitterman. Not to mention we haven't had a paycheck in 2 weeks and the amount that unemployment gives is about half of what he usually brings home in a week, and we have a wedding to go next weekend that is 3 hrs away and the tux and the hotel room are almost $500 and we still haven't got a gift yet. I mean does she not GET this???? It just floors me. She also asked him when he thought he would get back on the 4 wheeler??!!! I think if she had actually seen the accident like I did, she would have a whole different outlook. Like I really would be ok never getting on one again now that I've seen first hand how dangerous and scary they can be, but I know inevitably I will get on one again. She just drives me bananas lately. But I love her and she is a good Mom. Just a little off....

Arghhhh!!!!

2007-07-06T10:24:00.000-04:00

What the hell is wrong with men? Can anyone out there answer that? After 10 yrs of dating/marriage my usually wonderful husband decided that it was OK to put his finger in my face and tell me that he's sick of my fucking mouth. EXCUSE ME!!!!??? Ladies, I just about lost my shit. I don't know what in the world made him think that was an OK move to make! So, of course, I flipped and thought to myself, he hadn't heard anything from my mouth yet. I yelled at him a little bit and then shut up. I didn't talk to him all night. I didn't talk to him this morning. He finally apologized just now for being "mean" as he sees it. I said to him that no matter whether I was yelling at him or not ( which I wasn't to begin with, I was yelling at our daughter who was being very naughty) that I did not deserve to be treated that way. I also told him that if it ever happens again I am walking out with the Girl and he won't know where the hell I went or for how long. I mean when your in a relationship you just don't do that. Now I know he's been cooped up in the house for the last 2 weeks with me and The Girl because of the accident, I know he's bummed about not being able to work, I know that just sitting around drives him crazy, but I have tried very hard for the last 2 weeks to make him comfortable, get him out of the house, keep the Girl happy so she didn't cry or get upset to grate on his nerves, on top of doing all the laundry, mowing the lawn, doing all the dishes, making dinner, doing all the shopping, getting the Girl up and ready and putting her to bed at night. All without his help. Honestly, I am glad to do these things because I know he's in pain, but come on! Usually he is very helpful around the house and cooks dinner and does dishes. Maybe he's just mad because he can't help me? Ha! Well anywho, all I know is that this better not ever happen again or I will be forced to bring out the Bitch in me!

WTF???

2007-07-03T21:03:00.000-04:00

Can I just ask what the hell is the big deal about Rosie's kid??? Yeah I saw the pics and the video and whatever. I just don't get why it is such a big deal. Has no parent out there ever let their child play dress up??? My daughter changes her "outfits" and costumes more times in a day than I can count. Was it staged? Has that been proven yet? I really want to know. I mean if it was staged by Rosie to make some sort of statement, then that does put a different spin on things, but if it really was just innocent dressing up, WTF? Ya know my husband was/is Marine. I am so proud of him for serving our country. There are so many men and women home and overseas that are laying down their lives, it just seems like that should be more important. Maybe I am way off base here. I don't know. I just get so SICK of celebrities making headlines over stupid shit! I love the famous and beautiful people out there that DO great things with their money and power as it be. Like Angelina, Sandra Bullock, Rosie, Julia Roberts, and numerous others that do it without ever taking credit. All the stupid crotch slips, nipple slips, drunk night outs, and whatever else is just crap. I know it's a business, but come on.... Oh shit, well I guess I kinda got on a soapbox there for a moment. Sorry about that. I don't know why that wild hare just ran up my butt, but I think it's gone now.

It's official

2007-07-02T07:40:00.000-04:00

It's official I have one whole person that read my blog! It happens to be Greentshirt. Just love her! So I guess now that she's checking in on me I better start trying to make this kind of interesting. I could wow ya'll out there with the super duper story of my 3 yr old puking all night last night. Well maybe that's not a good way to start. I guess I'll start by officially giving a little history of myself.

I'm 31 yrs old (big gulp). I know that's not old but God it sure feels like it these last couple of days. I am a wife and mother. My husband is affectionately known as Bitter Little Man and my daughter is simply The Girl. They both keep me running and sometimes cursing and sometimes crying. I guess that's normal. I am a full time college student. This is my second or third attempt at getting a real education. I think I have finally found my niche though. I have started taking nursing classes at the community college here in town and so far I really like it. And considering that I am constantly nursing The Girl and Bitterman I should be an old pro. My husband is the most accident prone individual on the planet. No joke! I can't tell you the amount of times he's come home from work (he does steel construction) and half a pant leg is gone from his jeans because he caught himself on fire while welding or something. Or the amount of times he's come home and said "Hon, can you rinse my eyes out for me? I have metal shavings in them again." Or my favorite is his mangled hands that are constantly bleeding, red, swollen, bruised. He likes grossing me out I think. Like with flaps of skin dangling from his finger or whatever. Yuck! Sorry about the graphics, but that literally is what I deal with on a daily basis. I have a little break from it now because a week ago he and my daughter wrecked the 4 wheeler they were on and he now has a fractured back. See what I mean??? They both are healing quickly though so it won't be long before I am grossed out again. What else can I tell you about me??? I am the oldest of 4 kids. We grew up Mormon (big shreik). I sometimes wonder how my parents ever did that religion for as long as they did. My father still goes every Sunday, but the rest of us have fallen away from the flock so to speak. I kind of believe in something, not sure what, but I think that if I am a good person and try to be good to the people in my life then I'll be ok and arrive at the "pearly gates" or wherever. I love going out and getting silly drunk with my girlfriends on Friday night. It's the one thing that keeps me sane. I'm addicted to Jack n Coke. I'm your whiskey girl. Or a good Cosmo or Mojito, or a beer. Well obviously I'm not that picky. I am not a raging alcoholic even though it kind of sounds that way. I desperately want to travel and explore this world we live in. With a 3 yr old this becomes a little difficult, but I'm trying.

About my bros and sis. Well I have 2 bros. we'll call them Jay and Silent Bob. Jay's the youngest of the bunch and he is cocky, self absorbed, mean sometimes, but hard working and seems to have become a good father (I'm not sure how). Silent Bob is quiet, very hard working, sensitive to a fault, though you wouldn't know by looking at him, and is trying very hard to be a good, single parent (his babymama is a complete crack whore!). My sis, we'll call her Bea, is a very intellectual, creative, artsy fartsy, organic, California living, drug counseling beautiful person. I love her and look up to her and admire her. She is such a unique person. So that's the short version of my family and me. I'm sure I will be able to fill pages with stories of the stuff my bros do and the accidents my Bitterman gets into. So for now, I'm out!

I really am trying

2007-07-01T15:39:00.001-04:00

Ok so I really am going to try and give this blog site a fighting chance. I have it, I might as well use it right? Of course, currently I am the only one checking it out on a remotely regular basis. Hmmm. I need to work on that. I have a couple of friends on Blogspot and I am totally addicted to their mad ramblings for instance GreenT always gives me a good laugh or makes me think deep for a moment. I also love Pink is the New Blog! (thanks to GreenT) and I happen to love International Kung Fu Corporation ( the weekly update of my friends miracle baby). So how do I go about making this blog interesting enough for people to want to check it out? I could try and make it all flashy and what not. Or I could name drop famous people like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (who I love btw) so that when they google it it might pop up my blog. I just don't really know how these things work or what I feel like I want to put into it! So for now it's here and I am trying. Maybe I will send out mass emails to my friends and MAKE them check it out!

ok so i'm not good at this

2007-06-23T19:45:00.000-04:00

So, I started this blog site way back in March or something and I have just remembered that I have it. I also did not remember my password or sign on or anything so I kinda had to start from scratch. DUH! Anywho, just got a little something to put out there for whatever reason. If you take your car in to get fixed and say the original problem you took it in for was not fixed, wouldn't you say that maybe they shouldn't charge you since you paid for it the first time and it didn't get fixed? Just wonderin.... Cuz this did happen to me and I brought up the point that maybe since they didn't fix it the first time that maybe they shouldn't charge me this time around. Well my wonderful hubby tried to explain to me that mechanics don't work that way. But good customer service would have just not charged us without me having to say anything. Right? Am I completely off here? Well now that $1100 has been spent I hope that my car is actually fixed, because if it's not there will be HELL to pay! K, I'm done for now....

hello

2007-03-01T17:31:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to post a quick hello to anyone that might be reading this or interested. I have a huge test tomorrow in Bio and I really need to study. So that's the gist of it today. Oh by the way, can I just say how frickin mad it gets me when stupid people breed. WTF!!!!! There really should be laws in place! Ok I'm done now....

Ok so now I'm on Blogspot

2007-02-28T14:11:00.000-05:00

Just so you all know, I am on here to beable to comment on my friends sites. (that's you greent and the twinjas) That's really about it. Occasionally I will probably copy something from my Xanga and throw it on here. Just don't get your hopes up. I have like 4 different emails/blogs now just so I can communicate with friends and family. It's just sad.......well maybe not sad, but maybe a little pathetic.